This is getting a bit old…
This thing of not having anything to post about. i find myself beginning to dread sitting down here and opening this up because there is nothing to talk about, nothing to say. LP has said that it is when i don’t have anything to say that She has found my posts most interesting. i honestly don’t see it. It’s hard to write about anything relevant every evening. i have nothing new or interesting to write about. i do my tasks and that is it. i don’t know what i can write about either really. Most of the other blogs i read are a bit on the adult side and that’s not something i can write about i don’t think, and right now there’s nothing to write about anyway. Maybe this is all just a test of my patience and commitment to this way of life.
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My tasks have been accomplished and i can’t think of anything i have done that could be looked on with dissapproval. Except that i didn’t remember to get the massager back from the neighbor. The phone died before i got to ask her about it and i didn’t think to call her back later and ask to send someone over to get it. i will have to remember to do it tomorrow for certain.
Late
i am late. When i got home earlier i was feeling rather drained, even though my appointment went better this time than last time. Still there was a little more pain than last time and the proceedure made me rather lightheaded. Overall i felt kind of needy. i didn’t feel like coming home and being the one in charge. It’s one of the drawbacks of being long distance. Yes there are things i am supposed to do each day, but there isn’t that full out feeling of LP’s presence. i don’t know how to explain it. i am sure that it was partly my imagination but the atmosphere in the house seemed subdued and lacking. hehe…subdued…funny word.
i did well on my revised tasks this morning before i left for my appointment, and LP was right about me not feeling up to attempting the afternoon ones yet. From how the morning exercises felt though i think the revisions are going to yield good results.
Canceled
my WW meeting was canceled tonight because there was a little snow on the roads. Just a little, actually here in town the roads are fairly clear already. But by the time the meeting would be over and everything the leader might have ice to drive on and she’s not from here. So i completely understand. It means there is no weigh in this week. The scale i have can’t handle me yet and evn if it could it would probably not be in sync with the one at my meeting. So i will go with the official one at meetings.
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For my tasks today i did alright. my shoulder is not very happy with the pedaler and lifting the big bottle of water behind my head. i will take some ibuprophen before i go to bed tonight so that it doesn’t bother me in the middle of the night like it did last night. i wonder if these exercises for my arms will eventually help this pinched nerve thing i have going on in my left shoulder. It would be nice. i haven’t done my crafty ‘me time’ thing though, but i will do it when i go to bed because i want to finish reading the last HP book
Focus
The last few days i have been in a ‘meh’ mood. Today LP asked if i was feeling angry about anything, but that isn’t it. i tried to explain it’s like being bored, but not because i lack things to do. i have plenty of things to do, my daily tasks keep me plenty busy. i said that it’s just none of what i do is very entertaining. i’ve been thinking about it over the afternoon and evening and i think it’s just because things have been sort of all unsettled. We made a start and had worked out a way of doing things on a daily basis and just as i was getting used to it the time came for LP to be arrive. That kind of threw things all wobbly, put things on a different reality level. There was really no time to get used to anything during that time because things didn’t have time to settle. There was a lot of things that got in the way of sticking to any kind of household routine, and really got in the way of intimate time. Then it was time for LP to go back and i have been struggling to get back to the way it was before Her visit. It’s not working. i am having trouble finding the pleasure accomplishing my tasks should give me just for the simple fact that i have done what LP bid me to do. i really think i need to tune my focus in sharper. It is kind of like my post the other night ‘Do it anyway’ i just have to keep on with what i am doing until things settle down and get back to ‘normal’. Which will probably be just in time for LP’s next visit! lol!!
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Have i done my tasks today? i have done my newly revised exercises, tidied up and even spent some time reading (i am on the final Harry Potter book already!) i still have my shower and aftercare to get to, i am pretty late for them because i was having trouble with this post. i even have a personal task to see to after that and i am actually worried about achieving it because the inspiration just isn’t there, hasn’t been for a while even when i have had permission. But tonight it isn’t a case of ‘if you feel like it’ it was a direct command. hmm…putting it that way kind of gives me a bit of a twinge of inspiration. Maybe i just need to think about it more.
Once upon a time…(PG-13 rating – sort of)
i have been thinking a lot about my interest in D/s, as my last few posts have probably shown. i don’t know exactly where it came from but i know i had in interest in certain aspects before i even knew there was a term for it. i think my first conscious thought that maybe my interests weren’t like other girl’s was when i was about 14. That’s when i got involved with my first ‘boyfriend’. I’d just moved and we were neighbors and that summer before school started was actually a lot of fun. We always had a couple of younger kids tagging along with us, my niece and nephew who lived next door to me. It was annoying but it was also a good thing in the long run. But that summer we played things like ‘vampire’ and ‘hostage’ and i learned the joys of being tied to a tree and having my head tugged back by the hair. i learned the fun of putting up a good show at resistance before giving in to his kisses and how getting a not so gentle bit to the neck was like an electric jolt. But when school started and i was around other girls my age and heard all the talk about boys and kissing and making out i realized that all of that wasn’t ‘normal’ so i kept it to myself. i also learned that the reason we kept us a secret was so no one knew he had been messing around with the fat chick all summer, but that isn’t relevant anymore.
For me this attraction to D/s has always been mostly sexual. my fantasies and daydreams weren’t about cutesy romantic stuff, flowers and candy. They were about being grabbed and taken, pushed against a wall and ravished, kidnapped and made into someone’s plaything. That’s when i started writing ‘naughty’ stories. Because there was no one i could share these thoughts with. Even when i got older, was 18 or 19, i didn’t feel comfortable telling any of my boyfriends what i’d really like them to do to me. i felt like i was wrong to want those sort of things. After i got married i thought that if i could tell anyone it would have to be my husband. So i told him i would really like it if he tied me to the bed. What a fiasco! Nothing like having one’s hopes raised and then being told in the middle (for me at least) that it was wierd and silly. So back between the pages of my notebooks my interests went.
The funny thing is, i think that the more something is denied and ignored sometimes they just get worse. Or better depending on how you look at it. It took a while with LP for me to be able to start bringing these things out into the light and sharing them with Her. i remember early in our relationship telling her i had ‘dark’ desires or such things. i can laugh about that now because i have learned since that my interests aren’t much beyond vanilla! And here i was worried She would think i was some sort of freak. At least i know now that i can tell Her anything like that and it’s okay. Even if it never gets acted on or rarely gets acted on i at least have someone i can talk to about these things. And when i ever get back to my writing if there are things in it that i worry about other people reading i know that She is always going to be my biggest fan.
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So my task for today didn’t all get done. i didn’t get to my afternoon exercises. time just slipped away from me. i can’t say what i was doing, and i never left the house, but before i knew it the day was gone. LP reminded me that one part of my morning tasks is to check this journal every morning in case She had made any changes. It’s funny how one can think they are doing well at something and then find out they aren’t. i had gotten used to checking and finding nothing new so i got slack and didn’t really look at the pages. i was just glancing in for something obvious and when She finally did make a change i missed it. it was subtle, She merely changed some numbers on Her page detailing my daily exercises. So i didn’t see it because i didn’t bother to actually read the whole thing each day. i will have to pay more attention in the future.
Do it anyway
Right now i am just not feeling like making an entry here. i have nothing to write about, nothing to say, no thoughts on much of anything of interest to anyone. But it is something that LP wants me to do every evening and so for Her i must do it even when i have nothing to put here. Because the one whose collar is round my neck, the one whom i have given myself to, She has said do it. So i do.
See, i don’t want to be a part time, play time, wannabe submissive. i want this to be for real, to be something that She and i are commited to and something we can grow in. i suppose that most people must have their doubts when they first start out….is this going to work, is this for us, what do we do next? i guess this goes back to my ‘what am i?’ post because i still question. i love reading other people’s journals, love seeing their accounts of the interaction between submissives and their Dominants and even though most of what i read is on a level that LP and i probably would not be interested in exploring (according to discussions so far at least) and yet i find myself sighing softly to myself and feeling rather envious. And that perplexes me. i don’t want bloody cane marks across my ass, i don’t want bruises that last for days. From discussions with LP i know that these aren’t things She cares to do either. So why do i feel envious of these other submissives who have these things as part of their relationships? Maybe it’s just because they do have it.
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Have i done my tasks today? So far yes, for the most part. They weren’t done in the times they are supposed to be done, my morning things didn’t all get done in the morning because it was another off school day and those just seem to mess everything up. But they got done in the afternoon. i did all of my exercises at once, although now that i think about it i combined my morning arm exercises and my afternoon arm exercises into one, so that means i only did 30 instead of 60 at two different times of day. i will have to watch that. i need to go now and do my evening task, shower and moisturizing….sounds lovely to me.
So far away….
i’m having an irony moment. i recently left a comment on another’s journal just letting her know that i understand how it feels to be in a long distance realtionship and have one’s partner fall ill or get hurt. So what should happen today? LP is sick. She called me when She woke up and Her throat was hurting. By the time we talked again She had made it back to the house and She had a temperature and worse. She went to bed and has been there all day…..and it’s driving me crazy! i can’t stand when She is ill and i can’t be with Her. Even if all She wanted was for me to leave Her alone and just bring Her fresh water and maybe a cup of tea now and then. It would be enough just to know i was there if She needed me. i hate to think of Her so far away and there’s nothing i can do for Her! i know She feels the same way if i am sick or in pain.
It’s so difficult being in a long distance relationship. We miss out on a lot, but there are benefits as well. We have gotten closer than it would have been possible for us to get if we had met in person first, but i think now it’s time for us to get to explore how close we can get actually living together!
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my day today was much like my day yesterday….i had all the time i needed to get my tasks done and my exercises. my dinner may not have been the best as far as getting approval, but i still remained within my daily points. i think i may have to rethink the whole points thing, there has to be something not quite kosher about getting to eat whatever i want within points. i have 7 points left for the day….i could have chocolate or ice cream or something completely not good for my weight, so how is that going to help?
What am i?
Today i felt like i was set adrift. i had the whole day on my own because LP had gone to spend Her birthday with Her best friend and her family. i missed Her like crazy but it gave me a lot of time to do my tasks and to read and to think. i actually kind of enjoy having a day on my own even if i don’t do much of anything. i was thinking, though, about what i am. i have always felt that i was inherently submissive, for the most part. i enjoy letting someone else take the reigns, in a fair amount of life situations. Especially in the bedroom, mostly. See the pattern forming? There are little pockets of life that i like to have a modicum of control over. my writing is a big one of those. LP can attest to the fact that i get kind of territorial over my stories. It is something we have had numerous discussions over. If She takes too much of a hand in one of my stories i will lose interest in it and it dies. It took a long time for me to feel that i could tell Her this, but now She will mainly just proofread for spelling and grammatical errors and leave storyline fiddlings to me.
When we began discussing and exploring Dominance and submission we negotiated what parts of our life it would encompass. The bedroom? Oh yes, please!! Taking care of my physical and mental well being? Definitely, i am Hers and i need to care for what is hers. Housework? umm….well…. my defenses went up a little and i balked. i am not a tidy person, growing up i was never taught to be and i would much rather spend my time on something fun and creative. But during negotiations it seemed only natural that housework crept into things. After all, if i am to care for myself as Her possession (oh i love that word!) then the things that She has here in this home need to be cared for as well, even if She is gone more often than She is here. And so my duties and tasks became keeping myself and the house in order…and it feels right, i enjoy Her pleasure in me when i do these things, i find i need it. In that i suppose i fit the label of submissive. i love to please Her. In other ways, i feel sometimes like i wouldn’t really fit in with a room full of other submissives. See….i don’t like pain. Not intense, harsh, mark leaving pain. i don’t crave it and need it and sometimes i feel like maybe i must not really be a real submissive because i don’t. LP jokingly called me Her ‘ps’ when She was here…Her ‘pain slut’, and i agreed with Her because during intimate moments the small amounts of pain that She dealt out to me was something i wanted more and more of. Not more in the way of it being more painful, just in wanting it not to end…do it again…more, please! But i have seen real pain sluts and there is no way i could ever become one to that extent…..could i?
So what am i? Does it matter if i don’t fit the stereotype? Not to LP it doesn’t. What i am is Hers and if that is good enough for Her it is more than good enough for me.
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So….did i do my tasks today? Yes, i had plenty of time to get it all done…..my household tasks and my exercises. Did i do anything that LP wouldn’t have approved of? Not really, not anything i don’t normally do when we are online together. i spent a lot of time sitting here in my chair i wasn’t online really, but i was immersed in my current book. my ‘me’ time kind of encompased most of the day.
It’s Her birthday tomorrow
i wish i could bake a cake to give Her tomorrow….i wish i could be the present She opens…i wish i could draw Her a warm bath, wash Her back and Her hair and….i wish i could give Her a massage that would make Her go all noodley and drift off to sleep.
Someday i will wake Her with a birthday cup of tea, a English breakfast and me……
Happy Birthday, M’Lord…i love You!
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i felt much better about things today than i did yesterday. LP’s words over the phone and the comment from Lady Shanny caused me to let it go, it wasn’t a big deal and next Monday will be a different story.
i set about my tasks this morning with renewed enthusiasm and determination. i have so much to look forward to as i work toward my goal and it feels so good to do the things that LP has set for me to do, to care for Her property. i have some ideas i am working out in my head to help me, more about those after i give them some more thought and talk to LP about them.
i did eat an orange tonight, not sure LP would completely approve since citrus isn’t good for my joints, but it was just one and it was very sweet.
WTF?!
That’s right….grrrrr……i am kind of aggravated and annoyed and bummed whatever. i had my WW meeting tonight, i was looking forward to it. i have been doing exercises this week, i have been good with my food and stayed under my points. And i gained 0.4 of a pound!! Okay, nothing to freak out about, it’s a small portion of a number, not even half a pound, but still…i should have lost. What was it? The antibiotics that made me sick? i’d have thought that the nausea and cruds would have made me lose not gain. Maybe doing exercises and then being too sick to do them for a couple of days? i don’t see how.
i left the meeting and my first thought was that i hadn’t had dinner because i didn’t want to eat right before a weigh in….so i deserved McD’s! i was even on the road heading that way when i realized that i wasn’t heading there because i was actually hungry, but because i was bummed and wanted to comfort myself with a big greasy cheeseburger and salty fries….super size that please. So i took the next street that cut across and would take me home. Go me….i still don’t feel all that happy about it even though i should be proud of myself for resisting the temptation. i want a cheesburger damnit. *sigh* i didn’t even get my second week bookmarker because they ran out. Other people were getting their 5 pound stickers and i didn’t get squat.
So what can i do about it so that next week is better and doesn’t send me running for Dairy Queen?? i work harder and watch my foods better. Although i thought the whole point of doing the Flex plan and going on the point system was so that it didn’t feel like i am on a diet and being deprived of things i enjoy and that i am being forced to eat ‘diet’ food…guess that doesn’t work like they say it does. Broccoli instead of french fries….f*&% that! Besides….LP told me a long time ago broccoli is bad for my thyroid…so i don’t have to eat it!
Anyway, all that aside….
i did my exercises this morning and this afternoon…..some of my usual tasks didn’t get done this morning because it was a non-school day and i slept in. But things are still in good order. One thing i did that was good was not going to McD’s after my meeting and not raiding the stash of English candy bars hidden in LP’s drawer in the bedroom. i also figured out something neat. i have one of those adapters to hook a portable cd player to a cassette player in a vehicle. i discovered that i can take the part that plugs into the device and then insterts into the cassette deck and plug it into my mp4 player and i can play my music in the car! Ha!! i don’t have to be at the mercy of the radio station anymore!!! i can listen to what i like without commercials and stupid DJs talking all the time.
