Online stuff
LP and i met online….first through emails and then with instant messaging. We have used the unique interaction of the internet to get to know each other on deeper levels than it would have been possible to had we met in person. We have had long interesting conversations about everything and nothing, we have played and yes we have had our share of unremarkable conversations. We’ve had out struggles to keep things interesting. Sometimes i wonder if we haven’t explored things we would never have considered becasuse of that.
i actually like online stuff. i like to play with LP. i think i am more free in writing. But even that can get old i guess. We don’t play so much anymore, i guess it seems silly. i used to go into a chat room a lot and watch the people play. It didn’t even have to be cyber play, just fun stuff. I just enjoyed the banter. Things have changed though and now it’s a boring place to me. If i can’t play there with LP why bother?
It’s something pretty essential though to long distance relationships. Being able to have this instant and somewhat free form of communication make it so much easier. If we were limited to phones or just letters it would be nearly impossible to keep tings up. i became addicted to daily interaction with LP very early in our relationship, even when we were just friends. i don’t think there has been a single day that we haven’t had some form of communication. It would just feel so wrong to not have something to get me through the day. Some people think i spend too much time online with LP. They think that any time i am at my computer i must be talking to Her. i have tried to explain that in my afternoon/evening She is asleep…but it doesn’t seem to sink in.
It’s nice though that the internet offers so many options and twists and way of interacting together to help us keep things fresh and lively.
Black Snake Moan….i must be a chain slut
Took me a while to get around to seeing this movie, but finally did it. Wow…..am i the only one who found the idea of being chained to a radiator like that a complete turn on?? It wasn’t even that it was Christina Ricci, no…i wanted to be the one with the clank clanky chain locked around my waist. Then there was the part where she rolled herself up in the chain and it helped her get control of her ‘urges’ so she could sleep. i didn’t even really care that the plot was a bit thin, i was too busy thinking about the length of chain we have stashed in the closet. i don’t know what it is about the sound of a chain being rattled……and the idea of having some big midevil looking lock holding it shut??……yummy……
Thinking about it, i know it is totally impractical and not something that we could ever really do, but i love the idea! LP could just put me at the end of a nice long chain that could reach the most necessary parts of the house. And since it’s my own little fantasty maybe i could be tastefully nearly nude….and not be selfconscious of my body…..yeah, chains. Chains would be fun to play with.
The belly chain she got at the end made me think of LP’s collar around my neck. Such a perfect choice.
Stress and the smoking cigarette
i don’t smoke. Once in a great while i would if i went out but i never go out anymore so i haven’t smoked in forever. Tonight i smoke. i am stressed and even though i am not a smoker i need something to soothe and calm me….and it’s better than turning to food. LP has a carton of cigarettes in one of Her drawers that She had me get so She would have some when She gets back. They don’t sell this brand in England and She likes them when She is here. But i babble. So i was/am stressed this afternoon/evening and so i smoked. i will probably smoke again soon. i wish LP were here and that She could help me work off some of this stress in a more pleasureable way. Tonight i think i might actually welcome something more than a little stingy….odd idea to enter my head, but there it is.
i think i have a bit of a smoking fetish anyway. There’s something sexy about it sometimes. Like there is a certain way that LP has looked at me as She takes a drag and slowly releases the smoke, kind of contemplative and a bit wicked…..mmm…..it just makes my body go all tingly. i have actually incorporated that look into a fantasy of mine and it does it for me every time. If i had permission that particular fantasy might have come out to play tonight, especially since the bedroom will smell faintly of LP’s cigarettes. That would be interesting.
Contradiction
i was thinking the other day that my interest in things of a D/s nature are a contradiction. Some of the things that i crave now are things that i had a form of when i was married and i hated it. When i was married i made the mistake of starting our marriage by getting up each morning by getting up first to make sure the coffee was made and a bath was running before the ex got out of bed. i laid out his clothes for him, packed his lunch for him, and very rarely had a say in any intimate interaction between us. i was basically there for his use. i soon began to resent the hell out of all of that. But by then it was too late, the pattern had been set and it was expected that i keep it up. It was all stuff that a good wife did, to keep her husband happy so he didn’t stray, according to my mother at least.
Now here i am wanting to do things like that for LP. When She is here i make Her tea every morning and during the day, it is something i need to do when She is here. If She goes to make Her own i get unhappy. She likes to make me hot chocolate when it’s cold though so sometimes we are both in the kitchen, me making Her tea and her making me hot chocolate. We’re odd that way and we like it. LP is very independent though, i don’t know if She would let me fix Her breakfast every morning and make Her lunch and set out Her clothes. Tea in the morning is good, and i think i could get away with setting out Her bowl if She wanted cereal for breakfast : ) When it comes to being of intimate use…..well let’s say i would welcome welcome it now. i used to be very careful not to make too much noise if i had to get up during the night because i didn’t want to wake the ex and have to deal with being jumped on. Now i do it not to wake LP just because i know She doesn’t like to be woken up. i’d love it if She did wake me up just because she was in the mood!
See, contradictions! But i know that the difference is that LP is not going to take for granted the things that i offer freely, thus making them an irritating chore rather than a willing and happy act. She isn’t going to suddenly become helpless and unable to do anything for Herself like the ex did. It makes a world of difference.
i’m starting to hate Mondays
So i was looking forward to tonight, thinking that i’d have something good to report. maybe not as good as last week because a couple of meals weren’t as good as they should have been this week. But i stayed under my points so it shouldn’t have been that bad. i was thinking even part of a pound would be alright. i had no idea that i would get there andall of last weeks progress would be lost plus some. i just don’t get it. my exercise increased, i was good on my points, maybe i wasn’t so good on drinking my water but that shouldn’t have had anything to do with it.
It is so tempting to just throw up my hands and quit, but i don’t want to. There are too many reasons to keep at it. i have to keep reminding myself of them this evening, playing them over and over in my head so i can remember why i want to do it, the benefits i’ll get.
Maybe it’s my age, maybe i’m just not getting enough of the kind of exercise that will burn the calories fast enough, i can’t be retaining water again already – well not for that reason anyway. i just don’t know. Maybe i need to start walking, even if it’s just up and down the hallway at first.
i am really bummed now. i feel like i am wasting LP’s money and Her faith that i can do this. i just want to go to bed.
Sometimes it’s hard
i have been sitting here looking at my screen for over half an hour now and…..nothing. my mind just can’t seem to come up with something good to write. i am a bit distracted because of a final instruction from LP before she slept. One i am more than eager to carry out. Even so, i just find it so difficult to come up with something that is interesting to myself so how could i think that LP or anyone else who comes across this journal would find it interesting either.
i don’t know how some people can post nearly every day. LP and i talked about this just the other day. i don’t know, maybe i should start using some of the journal prompts luna puts up every week. A lot of them don’t seem to be questions i can answer for one reason or another though. i just can’t seem to think of a good enough answer for them.
We don’t partake in most of the usual practices of a BDSM relationship. Neither of us are into pain and punishment as pleasure. i can only speak for myself, but my cravings lean in a different direction altogether. So i can’t write about floggings and spankings and those sorts of things, at least not beyond the way they would be incorporated into sexual play. But that’s the way we do it and for us it’s right.
The porno in my head
LP and i have often talked about there being no such thing as a good porno. i guess what we would consider good wouldn’t be considered porn. It’s really all in the eye of the beholder just like beauty. We want a story and a plot and decent acting as well hot sexy scenes. Why can’t we have our cake and eat it too?? i have half way joked that i would love to produce a porno. i could write the screenplay and then we could audition the actors (are there any porn stars who can actually act??) and then we could see what happens. i think that if i were to win the lottery that would be something i would want to do, just for the fun of it! i bet that the money put into the thing would be earned back in no time and then some.
i guess this thought comes from the porno that’s been running off and on in my head all afternoon. It’s been one of those days. Probably all the talk with LP earlier about toys and making our own and what we, personally, would like from our toys. my mind became firmly implanted in the gutter and it has been there every since.
i have always had an active fantasy life. It’s always been a way for me to enjoy things that i either can’t have, won’t do for real, or don’t get enough of in real life. It’s something i have done for so long that it just comes naturaly to me. In fact i find it odd when i learn that not everyone has fantasies, not what i consider fantasies. When i was married i asked the husband what some of his fantasies were in an attempt to spice things up. The blank look i received from him should have been a good indication that there was no hope for that part of our relationship, which started going downhill before the honeymoon was even over. It still never occured to me that he might be more of the norm than i was.
i like the way my mind works though. It keeps me entertained and gives me an outlet for things that just wouldn’t fit in my life for one reason or another. Sometimes though i wonder if it doesn’t get in the way of actually going for things i would like to make reality. i have expressed to LP before that some things are just better left to the fantasy realm. But sometimes, maybe, fantasies are meant to be brought into the real world and explored. Today’s feature fantasy, playing on the big screen in my head, is mostly of the keep it to myself variety. Not really much question about that, today at least. But how does a person know for sure what’s better left alone and what to try to make reality?
Spring fever
i’ve got it bad. The sun has been shining for a couple of days when it was supposed to be rainy and at night the air just smells fresh. To make it even better, in less than three weeks LP will be here. We will have about a month together. When it gets this close to a visit we start to talk about things we want to do, places we might want to go, movies to order from Blockbuster.com and all sorts of things. We even start ordering things to play with *grin* A few things have already arrived and some others will be ordered after the first and arrive before LP does. i also have a list of things that we will need to pick up for a special ‘project’ we hope to work on together. Some modeling clay and liquid rubber latex and a few other things. It will be messy and it will be fun.
i have some looking to do for a certain kind of toy. We have one and it just doesn’t work so LP wants me to look for one that will work better for us. i think i have found a couple, but i don’t know if i am allowed to say exactly what they are here. It’s just so much fun shopping for toys online with LP. We used to browse around while we were in IM conversation and send each other links. i think this was how i learned to open up with LP about things i was curious about and She was able to express interests that She had and we grew. i used to think that some of the things i was curious about meant i had a dark side. i have since come to realize i am not at all dark in a bad way, i am just a little adventurous and open to exploration. That’s a good thing!
At Her feet
i have an obsessive, recurring wish. i want to be able to sit at LP’s feet. It has been something i have wanted to be able to do since the early days of our relationship, before either of us knew anything about BDSM. i have often wished that i could be at Her feet as we watch television, my cheek resting against the side of Her knee, one arm curled behind Her calves. In the little world my mind created She would occassionally reach out and stroke my hair, almost the way we pet our cat. There is just something comforting about the thought of being in that position, just thinking about it makes me feel i would be safe there. Sometimes that’s all i need to imagine, just sitting at Her feet while we watch tv. Sometimes if i am in a mood i imagine things escallating from there, but not always.
i remember the first time being on the floor at someone’s feet. i was kneeling. i was six. i hadn’t really talked about it with anyone before i met LP. No one else would have understood, i don’t think i did. It was scary, but it was one of those personality shaping moments. It wasn’t what a lot of people would probably think having read this so far….i was praying. i was six and i was at church camp and they made us all kneel and pray for the salvation of our souls. Children were crying all around me and the energy levels were so high that even at that age i felt something from it. That’s when the minister stood before me and put his hand on my head and prayed for me. He was larger than life from that angle and he seemed to be the voice of God himself….and he terrified me. i knew i had to do whatever was expected of me or the punishment would be horrendous. i think right then was the moment the seeds of submission were planted irrevocabley. It wasn’t healthy, and my formative years after that carried it farther and turned me into a spineless doormat who didn’t know how to stand up for herself. i didn’t learn to do that until my mid thirties, when i met LP.
Now here i am again and this time i want to be on the floor, sitting or kneeling. This time i know i will be cared for and i will be safe and anything expected of me will be things i want to give not out of fear but out of love.
Ramblings on finding my place, being Klingon with a Vulcan Dominant, and a trip to the dollar store
Ever since i discovered this thing called BDSM i have wondered where i fit in the scheme of it. It’s rather funny to admit that i had no idea that there was a whole ‘language’ built around these practices and groups and all sorts of things. i just knew that i got a charge out of certain things. i was in my late 30’s before i stumbled across a chat room that set my curiosity all atingle. i had met LP and we had built a fairly sound foundation to our relationship. i told Her about this place i had found and liked to hang around in and we would meet there sometimes, but we never really gave incorporating this into our life serious consideration until the last few months. LP knew some of my inclinations leaned in that direction…She knew i liked being tied or handcuffed, She knew i go mushy at just the sound of chains, and She knew some of the fantasies that would run rampant through my mind sometimes. She would listen to me ramble about things that i had read about and found interesting or even the interactions of couples i saw in that chat room. When i wanted to attend a weekend get together She encouraged me and then She listened patiently as i told Her all about what i had seen and how it had made me feel. i wanted to attend a local munch i learned about that weekend and She encouraged me to go. i only attended it that one time, though i attended the annual weekend event again and plan to this coming summer as well. If all goes as planned LP will be with me.
The thing is, as much as i enjoyed the events, and even the one munch, i felt somewhat seperate from the others in attendance. i felt like i wasn’t really one of them because i had no desire to go to some of the extremes i wittnessed or to partake in some of the activities. i kind of joke that compared to the people i met and even those i befriended i am pretty darn near vanilla! i was not and am not interested in being beaten and bruised, nor lashed with a whip or seriously scourged with a flogger or paddled until i am not able to sit down. Some things i saw i couldn’t decide which i wanted to be more, the do-ee or the do-er. i knew some thngs i wanted, and a lot of things i didn’t want. Then i felt wrong because it wasn’t supposed to be about what i wanted….was it? When LP decided that this was something She could see us exploring and we talked about beginning parameters i kind of knew what i wanted and didn’t want it to be like. i guess i sort of had a naive idea of it being lots of kinky sex play. That’s kind of what i wanted out of it. LP had other ideas. We have this whole Vulcan/Klingon philosophy about us. She is the Vulcan….all logical and practical, She needs things well ordered. i on the other hand am the Klingon…emotional and impulsive, i need to feel intensely. One of the things LP wants from me is to try and be a little more Vulcan, to think things through and not get so emotional about them. i try, but it is very hard. i can see logical reasons for things and yet i still let my emotions well up in me and i dwell on them. Sometimes it makes for a very uptight Klingon wench that has to be locked away in an inner closet. Something i have beens struggling with a lot since LP was here last. Yesterday LP gave me a reward for my perserverance and it soothed my inner Klingon a bit. But all of that is part of why i have felt i really don’t fit in with the usual sort of BDSM people. Maybe i am too selfish.
The reason for this ramble is that i was reading a blog earlier here: http://underhishand.com/i-quit and found myself laughing because kaya is fantastic with words but also i was nodding my head excitedly because i agree with so much of what she had to say. Such as, “I came into this relationship wanting some very specific things. And, to top it all off, I not only think I deserve them, I demand that I get them. I demand that I get them OR I retaliate by witholding my own contributions to the relationship. Apparently, that does not mesh well with the slave board of ethics.” While i may not demand or retaliate i understand the emotion behind what she was saying, or at least how it resonated with me. i wouldn’t purposefully set out to not hold up my side of the arrangement just because i wasn’t getting what i felt i needed, but i know myself well enough to know that i would start to lose momentum and start to let things slide. But as kaya said that doesn’t ‘mesh well.’ Because aren’t i supposed to do the things required of me without any ulterior motives to get something back for myself? Isn’t that what a good submissive does? Or am i getting the lines blurred between what it is to be submissive and to be a slave.
LP doesn’t want a slave. She wants me to have my own mind and my own opinions and to be an individual. This is a good thing because i am definitely not slave material…..well, maybe in the bedroom but that’s a whole other issue. What LP does want, i believe at least….correct me if i am out of line, M’Lord…..is for me to do what i am told. LP is flexible, She is generous. There is room for discussion of tasks she sets to take into consideration my physical limitations so that i am not harmed by being pushed too far, too fast. She even takes into consideration that with us thousands of miles apart and me being a single parent there are sometimes going to be things that come up on this end while She is asleep that might interfere.
That doesn’t mean that i am a bad submissive. Neither does the fact that i am not a masochist and i don’t get any kind of thrill at all from pain. Not intense pain. The nice sting of a well slapped arse or the sweet soreness of gently tortured nipples are a whole other story, that’s not pain….that’s sensation and i am a sensation junkie. It doesn’t mean i don’t fit in either. As i’ve said before, LP and i are just beginning, we are learning as we go along and finding out what is right for us. We are going to have enough hard work getting things to balance between Vulcan and Klingon tastes, wants and needs….why waste energy trying to measure up to the rest of the galaxy.
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All of that being said…..my evening tasks suffered tonight due to homework assistance and my mind being distracted by all of the above. It is way past 9 and i haven’t finished this entry yet or sent LP Her evening email. my personal grooming tasks for the evening haven’t gotten done either. This is becoming too much of a habit.
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i did, however, find some very interesting materials on a trip to the dollar store for visual aid supplies for teenage homework. They look like grass thin three foot lengths of some sort of bamboo. i have no idea why my mind suddenly thought how interesting they might feel if they were to have the ends taped together to make a handle and a good length left to be gently applied to bare skin at some future time. If LP approves and it works out the way i see it in my head i will post some pictures of this new plaything at a later date.
