TGIF
i started out my day in high spirits. my mood was good and i babbled and joked around with the kids as they got ready for their day. i don’t normally care anymore if it’s Friday or not. i don’t work so i don’t have any real reason to care if the weekend is here or not. It’s just another couple of days to me, except that the kids are home. Actually i should look forward to the weekday more than the weekend…lol. And this weekend is a three day one! But once the kids were off this morning i set about my morning tasks with a cheerful heart and even managed in a way to enjoy them.
i am still struggling with the reality of this part of our relationship, the shape it is taking on. Even though i pushed for it. i struggle with being patient and wondering if i am in this just for my own selfish reasons. i struggle with myself and the whispers of doubt if i am really am as submissive as i have let myself believe. i want so much to be pleasing to LP, to do the things She requires of me that will make Her happy with the time She is here and with me in between visits. Keep the house neat, take care of the things that belong to Her, myself being one of those things. So i do my exercises and i stay within my points and i imagine how it might be one day when i am healthier and more physically pleasing.
i am still struggling with envy of the experiences i read of others having, the sensual and sexual side of things…and for me they are two seperate things. At the same time i feel a sort of rebellion in myself when i read of how i shouldn’t be giving any thought to what i want to be getting from this but be focused only on what LP wants. And the wierd thing is that i want so much just for Her to be pleased with me, to be happy and content with our life.
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my legs are still very wobbly from my stepper today. the backs burn all the way down to my feet, but mostly in my right thigh. It didn’t stop me from doing my afternoon exercises though. It did make moving around interesting though, but then i am used to moving carefully so things don’t get thrown out of whack too badly.
