Yay…go me!! *happy boogy dance*
i am a happy little camper right now. It didn’t take much to put a smile on my face….just 2.4 pounds down from last weeks weigh-in. Yes, that’s all it took, just that little bit. Perked me right up.
At the meeting tonight the leader was talking about measureable goals. Something that we can use to help us stay motivated. my hand immediately went to the chain around my neck. A big goal for me is to be able to remove the extra links LP had to add to it so that it would fit. So i thought that i would list some of my pertinent goals just to remind myself of a few of the reasons i joined WW in the first place.
1. to remove the extra chain links
2. to wear the purple negligee LP gave me for C’mas
3. to be able to kneel or sit on the floor at LP’s feet
4. to build my stamina
There are other, more personal, reasons that i will keep to myself for now, and some that are kind of boring but no less important. me losing weight was not a requirement or condition in the relationship between LP and i. She has always said She will love me no matter what i look like. But i know that She would prefer i weigh less. First and foremost for my health, because She wants to keep me around for a while. From there it gets a little convoluted, sort of like the chicken and the egg connundrum. When i am heavier i feel like crap physically, mentally and emotionally. i don’t feel that i am attractive to LP mainly because i am not attractive to myself. So my actions and attitude reflect how i feel about myself. When i feel good about myself i feel sexier and i put out that aura and LP responds. This makes me feel even better because there is tangible proof that She wants me. On the other side of the coin, when i am feeling down on myself i don’t put out those attractive sexy vibes and LP responds in kind, which causes me to feel even less appealing…….it’s a nasty cycle.
i know i have this wierd need to be wanted. Not loved, although i need that too it’s not always enough. i mean physically wanted. i crave it. It’s something i have brought up in conversation with LP before. i have this craving in me to be wanted so much that having me is top priority above everything else. i am sure some psychologist somewhere would have a hay-day with it. The thing is, as much as i crave this feeling, i am just as much afraid of it. If it were LP who wanted me that way i would be overjoyed, but what if it were other people? Another nasty cycle, i would revel in the feeling of being wanted by complete stranges on the street but i would be afraid as well. Afraid i would like it too much and get myself into trouble. i wouldn’t want LP to have to defend my honor!
