Ramblings on finding my place, being Klingon with a Vulcan Dominant, and a trip to the dollar store
Ever since i discovered this thing called BDSM i have wondered where i fit in the scheme of it. It’s rather funny to admit that i had no idea that there was a whole ‘language’ built around these practices and groups and all sorts of things. i just knew that i got a charge out of certain things. i was in my late 30’s before i stumbled across a chat room that set my curiosity all atingle. i had met LP and we had built a fairly sound foundation to our relationship. i told Her about this place i had found and liked to hang around in and we would meet there sometimes, but we never really gave incorporating this into our life serious consideration until the last few months. LP knew some of my inclinations leaned in that direction…She knew i liked being tied or handcuffed, She knew i go mushy at just the sound of chains, and She knew some of the fantasies that would run rampant through my mind sometimes. She would listen to me ramble about things that i had read about and found interesting or even the interactions of couples i saw in that chat room. When i wanted to attend a weekend get together She encouraged me and then She listened patiently as i told Her all about what i had seen and how it had made me feel. i wanted to attend a local munch i learned about that weekend and She encouraged me to go. i only attended it that one time, though i attended the annual weekend event again and plan to this coming summer as well. If all goes as planned LP will be with me.
The thing is, as much as i enjoyed the events, and even the one munch, i felt somewhat seperate from the others in attendance. i felt like i wasn’t really one of them because i had no desire to go to some of the extremes i wittnessed or to partake in some of the activities. i kind of joke that compared to the people i met and even those i befriended i am pretty darn near vanilla! i was not and am not interested in being beaten and bruised, nor lashed with a whip or seriously scourged with a flogger or paddled until i am not able to sit down. Some things i saw i couldn’t decide which i wanted to be more, the do-ee or the do-er. i knew some thngs i wanted, and a lot of things i didn’t want. Then i felt wrong because it wasn’t supposed to be about what i wanted….was it? When LP decided that this was something She could see us exploring and we talked about beginning parameters i kind of knew what i wanted and didn’t want it to be like. i guess i sort of had a naive idea of it being lots of kinky sex play. That’s kind of what i wanted out of it. LP had other ideas. We have this whole Vulcan/Klingon philosophy about us. She is the Vulcan….all logical and practical, She needs things well ordered. i on the other hand am the Klingon…emotional and impulsive, i need to feel intensely. One of the things LP wants from me is to try and be a little more Vulcan, to think things through and not get so emotional about them. i try, but it is very hard. i can see logical reasons for things and yet i still let my emotions well up in me and i dwell on them. Sometimes it makes for a very uptight Klingon wench that has to be locked away in an inner closet. Something i have beens struggling with a lot since LP was here last. Yesterday LP gave me a reward for my perserverance and it soothed my inner Klingon a bit. But all of that is part of why i have felt i really don’t fit in with the usual sort of BDSM people. Maybe i am too selfish.
The reason for this ramble is that i was reading a blog earlier here: http://underhishand.com/i-quit and found myself laughing because kaya is fantastic with words but also i was nodding my head excitedly because i agree with so much of what she had to say. Such as, “I came into this relationship wanting some very specific things. And, to top it all off, I not only think I deserve them, I demand that I get them. I demand that I get them OR I retaliate by witholding my own contributions to the relationship. Apparently, that does not mesh well with the slave board of ethics.” While i may not demand or retaliate i understand the emotion behind what she was saying, or at least how it resonated with me. i wouldn’t purposefully set out to not hold up my side of the arrangement just because i wasn’t getting what i felt i needed, but i know myself well enough to know that i would start to lose momentum and start to let things slide. But as kaya said that doesn’t ‘mesh well.’ Because aren’t i supposed to do the things required of me without any ulterior motives to get something back for myself? Isn’t that what a good submissive does? Or am i getting the lines blurred between what it is to be submissive and to be a slave.
LP doesn’t want a slave. She wants me to have my own mind and my own opinions and to be an individual. This is a good thing because i am definitely not slave material…..well, maybe in the bedroom but that’s a whole other issue. What LP does want, i believe at least….correct me if i am out of line, M’Lord…..is for me to do what i am told. LP is flexible, She is generous. There is room for discussion of tasks she sets to take into consideration my physical limitations so that i am not harmed by being pushed too far, too fast. She even takes into consideration that with us thousands of miles apart and me being a single parent there are sometimes going to be things that come up on this end while She is asleep that might interfere.
That doesn’t mean that i am a bad submissive. Neither does the fact that i am not a masochist and i don’t get any kind of thrill at all from pain. Not intense pain. The nice sting of a well slapped arse or the sweet soreness of gently tortured nipples are a whole other story, that’s not pain….that’s sensation and i am a sensation junkie. It doesn’t mean i don’t fit in either. As i’ve said before, LP and i are just beginning, we are learning as we go along and finding out what is right for us. We are going to have enough hard work getting things to balance between Vulcan and Klingon tastes, wants and needs….why waste energy trying to measure up to the rest of the galaxy.
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All of that being said…..my evening tasks suffered tonight due to homework assistance and my mind being distracted by all of the above. It is way past 9 and i haven’t finished this entry yet or sent LP Her evening email. my personal grooming tasks for the evening haven’t gotten done either. This is becoming too much of a habit.
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i did, however, find some very interesting materials on a trip to the dollar store for visual aid supplies for teenage homework. They look like grass thin three foot lengths of some sort of bamboo. i have no idea why my mind suddenly thought how interesting they might feel if they were to have the ends taped together to make a handle and a good length left to be gently applied to bare skin at some future time. If LP approves and it works out the way i see it in my head i will post some pictures of this new plaything at a later date.
