At Her feet
i have an obsessive, recurring wish. i want to be able to sit at LP’s feet. It has been something i have wanted to be able to do since the early days of our relationship, before either of us knew anything about BDSM. i have often wished that i could be at Her feet as we watch television, my cheek resting against the side of Her knee, one arm curled behind Her calves. In the little world my mind created She would occassionally reach out and stroke my hair, almost the way we pet our cat. There is just something comforting about the thought of being in that position, just thinking about it makes me feel i would be safe there. Sometimes that’s all i need to imagine, just sitting at Her feet while we watch tv. Sometimes if i am in a mood i imagine things escallating from there, but not always.
i remember the first time being on the floor at someone’s feet. i was kneeling. i was six. i hadn’t really talked about it with anyone before i met LP. No one else would have understood, i don’t think i did. It was scary, but it was one of those personality shaping moments. It wasn’t what a lot of people would probably think having read this so far….i was praying. i was six and i was at church camp and they made us all kneel and pray for the salvation of our souls. Children were crying all around me and the energy levels were so high that even at that age i felt something from it. That’s when the minister stood before me and put his hand on my head and prayed for me. He was larger than life from that angle and he seemed to be the voice of God himself….and he terrified me. i knew i had to do whatever was expected of me or the punishment would be horrendous. i think right then was the moment the seeds of submission were planted irrevocabley. It wasn’t healthy, and my formative years after that carried it farther and turned me into a spineless doormat who didn’t know how to stand up for herself. i didn’t learn to do that until my mid thirties, when i met LP.
Now here i am again and this time i want to be on the floor, sitting or kneeling. This time i know i will be cared for and i will be safe and anything expected of me will be things i want to give not out of fear but out of love.
