Of liquid latex, reworked exercises and general stuff
LP has reworked my exercises. She watched me doing them and decided that the settings of my machines weren’t really doing me any good. So she increased resistance and lowered the repetitions. Needless to say i am huffing and puffing like crazy and my arms are screaming by the time i am done. i am sure it will be good for me and if it helps fix this issue with my weight then all the better. There are things beyond my physical health at risk now. i just wonder about the outcome.
We finally had a small semblance of privacy last night and took the opportunity to experiment with the liquid latex we purchased. First impression on opening the jar was to gag. The smell that wafted up into our eager faces was reminiscent of a litter box long over due for a change. It was overwhelming and more than a little disgusting. But opening the patio and lighting some incense helped and the smell disipated for the most part. So there i was sprawled on a cover sheet while LP got artistic on my chest. (She took a picture but i don’t know if She will allow me to post it or not, or if i could handle it being posted) Then came the fun part….waiting for it to dry. Have i ever mentioned that i have the patience of a gnat? Just laying there like that with no other distractions was far from pleasureable. Then came the silicon spray that is supposed to make it shiny and slick so it doesn’t stick to itself. It definitely did it’s job, made the painted bits and the skin around it all slick. That actually was kind of fun. i kept running my fingers over it all and playing with the slipperiness. i love that feeling, super slippery skin. The inevitable question was then asked, what now? So we started peeling it off, a much more difficult task than anticipated. It came off in little bits and pieces and skinny stringers. We figure that we should have put on several layers to get a nice thickness. i don’t know if i could stand lying still for that long. Maybe if some other things were employed to keep my mind off of it….like our new remote control egg 
Finally though it was all peeled off and i was sent to the bathroom to wash the residue and silicon off my chest. LP says that maybe we will give it another try after the kids go back to school next week. The rest of the evening went a little better at least, even if it did result in a couple of embarassing moments for both of us, but we had some good giggles.
Two weeks into LP’s visit, half way through. There won’t be any extensions this time like there was at Christmas. She has to get back so She can finish up what She has to do and come back this summer. Which is good because there is the possibility that i may be having some surgery done on one of my elbows. It will be better having Her here to help me. i don’t really have anyone else i can comfortably rely on during what should be a short recovery time, no one that won’t drive me crazy anyway. i doubt there will be time to do both elbows in the time She is here, but for the first at least it will be comforting to have Her with me. It’s kind of a scary prospect even if it isn’t a really major surgery.
i have some things on my mind. Some issues i need to resolve for my own peace of mind and, i feel, for the good of my relationship with LP. i think the best thing is for me to write it all down and give it to LP this evening. Then maybe we can take some time to talk it over when we have gone to bed. Maybe.
i’m feeling disconnected
i should be in bed, cuddled next to LP, happy and content in the warmth of Her presence. Instead here i sit at nearly half past three in the morning and, while not fully awake, still in too much annoying pain to sleep. i say annoying pain because it isn’t excruciating, i have had worse. This is just annoying enough to keep me awake, make me toss and turn in the bed and i so hate to disturb LP’s rest that i get up and come sit in my chair. It’s been this way ever since She arrived. Every night.
A friend of mine said that maybe this thing with my shoulder is psychological. Usually i just smile and nod at her attempts at annalysis, she’s a different duck that one. But maybe this time she isn’t far from the truth. i have issues about sharing a bed with LP when She is here. i rarely sleep well. i worry about every movement i make, i worry about snoring, and lately i worry about not being atractive to Her anymore so getting into bed is something i don’t look forward to. What if i have created a situation that keeps me out of the bed so that i avoid these things?
i feel so disconnected from Her right now it is frightening.
Time flies
It’s been nearly a week that LP has been here. Doesn’t seem like it, and yet….
i have yet to spend more than one whole night in bed with LP. my neck and shoulder keep me from being comfortable enough to stay in bed for very long. When i am there i have to lay on my back with tons of pillows behind me to prop me up because it hurts to lie down. i might as well be in a seperate bed. i would feel better about it if i could say that at least LP has been sleeping well, but i can’t even say that. Seems most nights something has happened to disturb Her even when i have removed myself as the main problem. Noisy neighbors, kids, our cat being demanding, some yeowling stray on our bedroom patio and even my absence wakes Her and bothers Her. All of this and some other choice things haven’t exactly been conducive to quality couple time, much less any fun play time. Neither of us have been in the mood for much of anything even if we had the opportunity. The wierd thing is it bothers me that it doesn’t bother me more. Maybe it is just being in constant pain with my shoulder has eclipsed everything else.
The time alone i was hoping to get has gone out the window. Guess i have been right to not hold my breath and get to excited about it. At least one, if not both, of the kids have changed their minds about spending Spring break with their father. Partly due to the fact that he is a festering boil on the ass of humanity, but that’s not the whole reason. i think they were both looking for an excuse not to go. One still may, but i doubt it.
It’s kind of sad how things don’t work out. It doesn’t pay to make plans, and hoping seems to be a waste of time.
It’s after two in the morning and i think that if i shut this machine down i may be able to make myself comfortable enough here in my chair to get a little sleep before we have to get up. i hope LP is sleeping alright, at least She doesn’t have to deal with my annoying night noises with me out here. We are planning on leaving for a little shopping trip soon as the kids are off to school. There we go again with that pointless little habit of planning things.
This time tomorrow
i will be with the one i love. There will be hugging and there will be kisses. There will be a ‘perfect’ cup of tea that She says only i can make and there will be tucking in and murmuring to each other until sleep claims us. Just that makes it the perfect ending to the day. Just being together makes everything seem just the way it should be.
My parents are back in town tomorrow as well, and will need some of my attention. So that will help the day pass so i am not pacing up and down the hall all day waiting. It’s good they are back though. They have been gone all winter and LP didn’t get to see them when She was here at C’mas. i think She missed them.
i will be calling LP in a few minutes to be sure that Her alarm went off for Her to catch Her taxi to the airport. Then She will be on Her way across the ocean to me. i simply cannot wait!!!
Almost too excited to type
Day after tomorrow LP arrives! Tomorrow we won’t have our usual online time though because She will be staying with a friend who lives closer to the the airport. That way She can park Her car there while She is here and it will be safe-ish. So instead of one day without being on the computer with Her it will be two. Well, at least i will have plenty of time to be sure the things i need to get done. i will do my hair in the morning after the kids go to school and i will leave the deep conditioner on for a long time before rinsing it off. Then my hair will be nice and soft for LP to grab hold of!
i went to the Rainbow Grocery Outlet store to grab something for dinner and i found a set of sheets that will fit our bed….and they are black!! i love black sheets. i always wanted black satin sheets and a matching quilt cover. LP got some for our bed and i think they stayed on one night. They may sound sexy, but for actual sleeping they suck. The quilt slides off the bed, my pillow kept sliding onto my night table and knocking things over…it just isn’t practical. But these black sheets are cotton so they won’t be so slippery! They will just be nice black sheets. i still love the idea of wrapping myself in the satin covered quilt though, maybe just for fun and play time. hmmm….i’ll need to toss the new sheets in the washer to get them all fresh smelling to put on the bed.
i think i actually have butterflies in my stomach! But they’re the happy kind not the nervous kind. i know it’s only been about nine weeks or so since LP was here, but i miss Her like crazy and can’t wait to see Her. It’s hard to imagine that we had to go nearly a year without seeing each other not too long ago. LP aptly used a Voyager reference and called it ‘The Year of Hell’. It was horrible. That’s something i hope we never have to go through again. It was a real test of our commitment and determination to be together, and we passed with flying colors. In the end it just brought us closer.
i really dislike pain
i was supposed to go to my weigh in tonight but i am in too much pain to drive. i have re-pinched a nerve in my neck and it is messing with my whole left arm. i asked LP earlier, before She slept, if i might have this week off. At first Her reaction was no, one of the goals She has set for me is to stick it out to 16 weeks. But then She decided to let me choose based on how much pain i was in after driving to the school to pick up my son. Missing one meeting won’t negate the weeks i have under my belt already so i can still make 16 weeks. They say that if a person can stickwith it that long, no matter how much or how little they have lost, they have a better chance of reaching their goal weight.
So i took the option of not going tonight. Sitting in the vehicle with the seat belt across my left shoulder is near murder. i was in tears by the time i got to the school and by the time i got back home i just wanted to tear my arm off. The last time i did this it was months before it got better. It didn’t actually start getting better until the middle of LP’s last visit. i had been unable to sleep on either side and couldn’t lie flat on my back either. So i had to prop up my head and shoulders and have something under my knees so to lift them so my lower back didn’t go out. This put a bit of a damper on things, i wasn’t even able to snuggle up and lay my head on LP’s shoulder to watch tv. It was very annoying.
What pisses me off most is that it is so close to LP arriving. But maybe if i am lucky She can use Her magic hands and work it out for me. i had one of my kids try earlier and i think they made it worse. i have this massage wand that i am going to try later before i go ot bed. It has these lovely nubs that fit just on either side of my spine, maybe that will help it feel better. LP has this position she gets me in that makes it feel much better for a while…or maybe it just makes me forget the pain, hehehe.
i shall not complain though. It could be worse, it has been worse. i will not revert to whining and feeling totally sorry for myself. Well maybe just a little sorry for myself. A hot shower might help relax it. Maybe i will turn in early tonight.
Thank You for being understanding, M’Lord.
Things i need to do
Over the next few days there are some things to do before LP arrives:
i need to….
Strip the bed and put on the new mattress cover, fresh sheets and pillow cases, take the quilts to the laundrette and wash them and put a fresh quilt cover on them (oh the joy)
Do my roots, which are showing much more than they should right now. i really want to do something different with my hair but part of me wonders if there’s any point….you know……sow’s ear/silk purse
Get friendly with my tweezers and razor.
Give the upstairs bathtub an extra good scrub (i am hoping to play ‘geisha’ while LP is here and the kids are away!)
Call the landlord to get him out here to fix the leak in the downstairs shower taps.
Pick up a few special groceries – some regular milk instead of non-fat, LP’s favorite cereal, umm…not sure what else yet
Toss LP’s bathrobe in the wash to freshen it up.
Make sure there are plenty of batteries in the toy drawer.
Those are the basics i can think of right now. There may be more that comes up the next few days. I’m getting more and more excited!! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and most of Thursday and then LP will be walking through the door!!
In a side note…..i accomplished my extra task over the afternoon, M’Lord….even when i was at the grocery store. That was kind of fun and really raised the thermostat!
i didn’t make it
i had set a goal that by the time LP got back i would hopefully have lost around 20 pounds. i failed. i have lost and regained the same couple of pounds since i started trying. i had hoped to be able to at least have some sort of progress to show. i suppose that there is a little, i can feel a little more muscle in my calves. Whoopee, big deal.
i sit sometimes and imagine how i would like to look. i look at pictures, not of waifish models, but real women. Then i see my own reflection in a window of a store and i can’t imagine how anyone could want to be with me. Love me, yes, i am very loved. But wanted? i just can’t see it. i wouldn’t want me.
It’s strange really. There are a few journals i read by women who are larger and i so admire their confidence and love of their bodies and i find them sexy and attractive. And yet i can’t find that within myself. i don’t know how.
WhooHoo!! Six days!!
i am getting so excited! Only six days until LP arrives, well less considering the time of day it is right now! Plus today it was settled that the kids will be spending their spring break with their father so LP and i will have some alone time. We weren’t sure it would happen because the ex is a jerk and the kids really don’t want much to do with him if they can help it. It’s kind of sad to say that the only reasons they are going it because they wouldn’t go at C’mas time and he wouldn’t send them their presents because of it. So they are going so they can get the things he got them and bring them home. Part of me feels a little sorry for the man, but he has brought this all on himself and no one else is to blame despite how hard he tries.
It will be so nice to have time alone with LP. Having kids in the house can sometimes put a damper on things. i never thought that it would get worse as they get older though. i always thought it was when they were younger that we had to be careful of what we did and noises that were made. I mean, it is still only common sense to be careful of noise when they are in the houe and awake, but i didn’t think that having older children would put so much of a damper on that aspect of things. i see nothing difficult about locking the bedroom door and telling them we are going to bed early, don’t disturb us unless it’s an emergency. We don’t have to say ‘We’re going to have wild monkey sex now, stay away from this door!’ all we have to do is say we’re going to bed. And really….i can be quiet if i have to be….honest! Just because i am a screamer doesn’t mean i can’t keep it down if the need be : )
There are also tentative plans for the kids to spend three weeks this summer with their father. As long as he doesn’t do anything stupid to piss them off like at C’mas. LP should be here for at least part of that time as well, if not all of it. i am trying really hard not to get too excited about that. i keep repeating my motto….i won’t hold my breath…..i won’t hold my breath…..but oh won’t it be fantastic to have three whole weeks alone!!
Checklists
i was going through my documents folder this afternoon looking for something and i came across the checklists LP and i did a while back. i wonder if i did it right. i don’t even remember what site we found this one on. i said yes to activities that i have either done or would like to do and then rated them according to if i liked them or how interested i am in them. i suppose it would make it difficult because there’s no way to differentiate between things i’ve done and things i am interested in doing. What about things i’ve done and enjoyed but won’t be doing again for whatever reason? Yes/no answers don’t explain much. i guess that’s where discussion after completing the checklist comes in.
It’s kind of funny because i kind of get a kick out of comparing notes with LP on past things we have done and how we felt about it at the time. i mean, i’d like to go into detail! i don’t think She feels the same way though. i’ve never really had someone that i could talk about the gory details with. When i was married i think the ex liked to think that there had never been anyone else but him. He certainly wouldn’t have liked to hear that i may have enjoyed it more! LP doesn’t have that kind of fragile ego, so i don’t have to worry She is going to get pissed because i may have enjoyed something with someone before i even met Her. But still, it isn’t something we really talk about.
The idea occured to me to take my list and go through it, keep all the yes answers and mark them D for ’done that’ or W for ‘wanna do’ and then elaborate on their rating. What i liked about it, what i find interesting about it that sort of thing. Just for my own fun really.
There’s also the chance that some things may have changed since i last filled it out. i think there are some things that i put as a no or gave a low rating that might be marked differently now. i’m not sure. Might be interesting to redo it and see.
