Two down….
LP told me today that there would be no pro-rating of my quota and i had an ‘holy shit’ moment as i did the math and figured out that i had today and tomorrow to get in 13 orgasms. Part of me thinks that She said that to see if i would argue or complain or even say it was impossible. i was unsure if it would be possible but i was going to give it my best effort if that is what She wanted. In the end though She told me that She was not going to require that, but She didn’t give me an exact number to aim for. i am to see how many i can accomplish tonight and again tomorrow. We are both curious. We know how many my record is for one phone session and we are wondering if i will meet it or beat it either tonight or tomorrow night. i don’t think it will be something that is an issue, that was a special circumstance. But i can report that i am two more down for today….i had some alone time this afternoon that i don’t normally get 
That just leaves eleven of the original quota, i really want to see how close i can get. i am just hoping that my imagination is up to the task and i am able to put a smile on LP’s face…..
i am done…sleep now?
First off….major yay! LP got my router fixed! i got my new tower Friday and so i was able to get online, but the new computer refused to acknowledge the router or some such thing. i really don’t know, i am not very technically minded despite the fact that i did go to a computer training college for almost a year. …that promptly closed down just a few months after i finished. Second school to do that after i was finished with it…i am a jinx. i am also a jinx to anything electrical, hence the fact that i should not be allowed inside a computer. i know a few tricks and i can occasionally dance my way around fixing some little issues. But it’s best not to let me touch them at all. i swear though, this time it was not my fault…honest! LP got it all fixed today though, we think anyway. She still has to talk me through configuring the daughter’s laptop to work on our network. That had to be postponed until tomorrow because sick kids and trips to the ER were in order for today. Add to that the unwanted presence of the ex and it made for a very tiring day.
Before all the hospital drama ensued LP and i did have a little time online in which She had me give Her a detailed account of my playtime last night. The telling and reliving was nearly an inspiration in itself if there hadn’t been so much stress just a little bit later. (((( You haven’t said anything about pro-rating my quota for April, M’Lord….do i need to get busier?? *grins* ))))
i didn’t get to my WW meeting tonight because i barely made it home before it would have been time to leave. There was not time to feed the kids or anything and still make it. So hopefully the extenuating circumstances will mean i am not in too much trouble for missing it. i am thinking again that i might check out the Thursday morning meeting. Monday nights are just so busy.
i am tired and sleepy now. i think that now would be a good time to go snuggle down in my bed and drift off to imaginings of LP and all the fun i hope we will have when She returns in the summer.
Oh so inspirational
i have a new computer and even though our network router has gone caput on us for reasons we cannot fathom, at least i have an internet connection on my computer. LP and i have spent the last three days on the phone (Her bill is going to be huge!) trying to get it fixed. The frustration is intense, and it isn’t the fun kind. So i decided to just relax and check out some of my favorite blogs from the side bar and see what i’ve been missing. i missed HNT on Dee’s page, but that’s okay because checking it late meant that i got to see her in her ‘cunt’ t-shirt and also her favorite pics from other bloggers. i love that she does that, she has great taste. Dee can be found here: http://curvaceousdee.blogspot.com/
Then i checked in at Sugarbutch Chronicles and found this post: http://www.sugarbutch.net/2008/04/guest-post-submissive-impulses-and-why-i-heart-sadists/#comment-2424 All i can say is…ohhhh my……no i change my mind, i have a lot more to say about that particular guest post. That has to be the most inspiring thing i have read in a long time. It has all kinds of images dancing through my head. It’s kind of nice to know that i am not the only one who craves this sort of interaction. For me it’s one of those things that i doubt i will ever fully experience. There are practical things that would probably get in the way. i am not strong physically, my joints can be tender and it would make the whole ‘fighting back’ part of it difficult. i wouldn’t be able to struggle and resist as much as i would like. When i was younger, about 14 actually and with my first real boyfriend, i used to push him to get him to be more physically aggressive with me. i would turn my head when he went to kiss me so that he had to grab my face and turn me back to him, or i would walk away so that he had to come after me and catch me. i usually made sure that when he did catch me it was in a fairly private place so that he could pin me up against a wall or door to get the kisses he was after. Still, it wasn’t enough for me, it barely took away the itch for a little while. It’s a recurring theme in my fantasies, being overpowered, held down, maybe bound maybe not, but even more than that being told i belong to someone, that i will be taken as they please not coddled like some pillow princess. The words, those fierce dark words, are all that would be needed to trigger that spinal arch reaction that i just can’t control.
Whew….ahem….right. So thank goodness that LP has allowed a change in our specifics, that will allow me to run with the inspiration and enjoy myself. We have been talking, going over things and doing some renegotiation of sorts. LP has given me an orgasm quota. i need to find a counter that i can use to keep track and post here. i saw one on another blog i read, but i can’t remember which one. i am allowed to ‘play’ on my own 14 times a month. Within those 14 times four must be on a specific day each week, and at least five must involve toys. After each time i am to write a report on what inspired me and how. Sometimes LP may toss out something specific She wants on my mind at the time. After reading the post mentioned above i definitely have all the inspiration i need to start working on my quota.
(((The only question i have now, M’Lord, is do i need to meet the whole quota for April or will it be pro-rated since it wasn’t set until just a few days ago. *grins* i will be a very busy girl if i am to meet my quota….but as always, i am up for the challenge!)))
{{i hope that the trackbacks i put in for the two blog references work the way my understanding of them says they should.}}
Sometimes i feel too much
i am a very emotional person. Sometimes i think i feel too much though. It drains me when i feel negative emotions. And they feed off each other and just make things seem worse than they are. On the other hand, i can feel positive emotions so intensely, even off of other people, that sometimes it is like a high of sorts. i like that kind of feeling, that’s fun. If i could bottle that and sell it i’d be a millionaire….then the government would probably make it illegal or tax it or something lol!
i could do with some of those positive vibes right now. i’d like to have a little fun or something. Maybe i should have hit my neighbor up to go on another walk this evening. We aren’t supposed to go until tomorrow evening, but last night it felt pretty good to be outside. Too late now though, and too cold.
Even though the negative overwhelm me sometimes how can i not feel them and still feel the positive as intensely as i do? i know the positive is less frequent than the negative, but till, how could i give it up? Everything has some sort of emotion attached to it for me. The wind was blowing today, really billowing, and it stirred me. It was brisk and fresh and it made me feel renewed and i smiled. Yesterday the thunder made me feel the rush of excitement, the need and hunger that it always seems to stir up in me. Unfortunately it kind of turned to frustration because it had no where to go. Maybe that’s why i pushed it on my walk. i ended up out of breath and with a stitch in my chest, but i felt better. Sometimes the beauty of a tree makes a sort of joy well up inside me. Today i saw a tree on my way home from picking up my son from school and before i could stop myself i was babbling about how i would like to paint a tree like that, so it looked as if it was a woman’s long hair being blown around her face in the wind. That’s what the tree made me think of. Of course my boy looked at me like i was nuts, but then he’s used to that with me. i think he and his sister kind of like it even, they just have to pretend that they are embarassed.
Sometimes these things translate into not just emotional feelings but physical ones. They create a want, an ache, and most times that makes me want to just curl up in a ball and sleep because there’s nothing i can do with those feelings.
Tonight i am dealing with all of these kinds of feelings. Negative and positive, emotional and physical, and i am just a big basket case. Sleep is called for, it will all be better in the morning. i hope.
Tired and missing Her
It’s been a long day. i am tired physically and emotionally. i just wish LP was here to take me to bed and snuggle me….well, maybe more than just snuggle me. i feel the need for comfort, but can’t do anything about that right now because LP hasn’t officially changed her stance on self comfort. We talked about it the other day, along with some other things but nothing was settled.
i went for a walk with my neighbor this evening. We will be doing that at least two times a week, possibly three if we can work it out on the weekends. It is one more thing that will be helpful to changing my body and hopefully even my way of looking at myself. i felt good that we actually did it, we almost backed out because about an hour and a half before it was raining hard and there was thunder and lightening. i love a good thunder storm, but not if i am out walking! But it stopped just long enough for us to have our walk. It’s good to have someone to walk with, gives me a bit of incentive.
i couldn’t help thinking of a walk LP and i took while She was here. It was a nice sunny day though. We walked and our cat came along and for the most part stayed with us. LP kept calling him to keep up and not get to far away. It was cute. i wish She was still here to take walks with me. It was a little cold today, but maybe we still would have gone. Actually i’d be happy to just sit here watching tv. i just miss Her. June’s not that far away, but sometimes it seems like it. i hope She will be pleased with me when She returns.
A fresh start
Okay, i went to my first WW meeting in almost a month. Things just kept getting in the way while LP was here. From feeling too ill to the car breaking down! It was crazy. i almost forgot about it tonight, got out of the habit. But after LP had gone to bed She couldn’t sleep and realized She hadn’t wished me luck at my meeting so She called to tell me. i don’t think that was the reason She couldn’t sleep, but it was good that She remembered and reminded me.
i didn’t have any loss to report, but at least in a month of not going to meetings and not keeping track of my points i didn’t have any gain either. So this will be like a fresh start. i even have some new exercises to add. LP and i were watching this infomercial for these exercise dvds and they were kind of interesting, latin dance based movements. LP got the idea that getting a kids hula hoop would use a lot of the same kinds of movements and be good for toning my waist and strengthening my back muscles. So we went to the dollar store before She left and got one. That was so funny! i had never been able to do the hula hoop even when i was a kid, nothing’s changed! i can’t keep it up for even one circuit around. It falls right down to the floor. So i have started doing the motions to music without the hoop, but i intend to sometime be able to keep that hoop up for a while at least. i never cared much for it when i was a kid, i just didn’t see the fun in it. But now i have a new reason to play with it now. i joked that it would be funny to be out on my patio hula hooping and making the neighbor kids wonder what i am doing that for. They already think i’m a bit scary and psycho (and that’s how i like it…the little monsters!)
So in the morning i will start keeping track of my points online again and maybe even contribute to the message boards some. i’ll have to find the website the hard way since my favorites are all saved on my poor dead computer…..*sigh* But that’s a minor inconvenience.
my computer died
i feel at such loose ends without my own computer! i am having to use a lap top that belongs to my mother that my daughter had been using because her’s broke. But at least i am not completely cut off. i have this and my son has a desktop model that i could use if i had to. It’s just all of my favorites are on mine and i know exactly how to navigate around it. Still, it’s only for a week or so. LP and i worked all day trying to figure a way around what was going on but couldn’t and so while we were working She ebayed and bought me another one! She likes to take care of me like that. If i need something She makes sure i get it. And since the computer is our main source of communication we can’t go without it for very long. Sure we’d have the phone, but the bills are just way too high. So in a few days i will have a new tower and when LP gets back in June She will look this one over and get it to fixed and depending which one i like better She will sell the extra one on ebay. We love ebay. It’s probably a good thing that i do live on a tight budget or i’d be shopping ebay for stuff all day long!
One of the wierd things about the timing of my computer breaking down is that i had jsut decided on some writing projects to start on. This won’t stop me, i can just as well write longhand. But it is interesting. Sometimes things happen just as i start to get some sort of momentum built up. i don’t know if it is my subconscious setting me up or what, but wierd things happen to block me. Sometimes its a physical thing like my back going out or some such thing. Or some other wierd thing like my computer breaking down now. These sorts of things happen a lot around me. i don’t know why. We have a joke that i am a jinx to electronic devices, and in a way it’s true. i do put of some sort of wierd electrical pulse or field that over time screws with my computer. This computer only lasted about four months. Not bad timing for me really. With my old one before this LP was always having to reformat it almost every visit. It’s a good thing that She knows so much about computers!! And She’s completely self taught! And yes, i am bragging on Her. i’m really lucky to have her in my life.
Questioning
Today during our online conversation LP asked me if She had ruined me being submissive because she has always encouraged me to be independant and think for myself and speak up for myself. i told her honestly that i don’t believe that could be the case because most submissives that i admire either through their blogs or from interacting with them in a chat room are all of those things. They are strong willed women who choose to submit. If anything Her encouragement of me to be all of that could only enhance my feelings of submission. We discussed what areas i feel most drawn to express it and i quite honestly answered that, for me, it is mainly sexual. Maybe that makes me more of a bottom than an actual submissive, i don’t know. i hate labels anyway. i do know that even if it starts in the ‘bedroom’ for me it spreads out to other areas.
We talked more about building my self confidence. It’s a confusing and daunting prospect. I wasn’t given the tools as a child to build it for myself. i understand the concept, doing things that i can be proud of, things that cause me to feel good about myself, and slowly my confidence will grow. In my mind i get it. i just hope that i am able to put it into action.
i know LP doesn’t wantsome doormat. She wants a partner who can hold her own. Actually, thinking about it, a submissive who is confident and secure in herself would probably be even more of a pleasure to take control of.
LP pointed out that some things i have already started working on. My physical appearance for one. i hadn’t looked at it that way. In my mind i was working on that so that i would be more attractive and appealing to LP, because i have a desperate need to be wanted. But looking at it from the other side of things, as i lose weight i will feel better about myself. So that’s a good confidence builder. Things i am good at that i can do just because i enjoy them and feel good doing them….my writing, my painting and crafting work, my singing….these are some of the things that i know i do well and that i enjoy doing. Doing them instead of just thinking about doing them will cause me to feel good about myself.
i hope that by the time LP gets back this summer there will be progress, not just in the physical bodily sense, but with my inner self as well.
Something to build on
At one point during our conversation today it came up that building my confidence level is something that i have to do myself. Basing it on how someone else causes me to feel may be nice for a while, but it isn’t enough. It won’t be a lasting improvement. i need to look inside myself and find the things that i like about me, that make me proud and make me feel good all on my own and build on them. It’s difficult. Self esteem wasn’t something that was high on the priority list when i was growning up. In fact it was kind of seen as wrong to have very high self esteem, it led to pride and pride is a sin. i wasn’t allowed to claim the things that i was good at as my own. But that was then, and this is now.
LP says that what we put out we receive back. If i project that i don’t like me, don’t feel worthy of respect or being loved and wanted then that is what i will get back. It’s difficult to know how to start. There are a couple of sub journals that i read by women who i have come to admire because they put out such confidence in themselves. But it’s not really something i could ask how they became so confident in themselves. It’s something i have to figure out for myself. But i know that LP is there to support me as i try to figure it out.
So i am looking for the things that i already like about me. The things that i am good at, that make up the good things in my personality that i would like to bring out and make stronger.
Remorse…
My darling challenge,
you were not nasty, but upset. you did indeed draw an incorrect conclusion from an assumption, however. I realise that you felt hurt by how your mind read the situation and I understand that thoughts can escalate.
There are many things we both need to work and answers we both need to find within ourselves. It will take time to delve as deep as some things have to go to get those answers and I cannot rush you as much you cannot rush Me. W/we can, however, help, assist and guide each other when needed.
Recent event with your neice have opened up many questions for you and you have to find your own reasons and answers to what that all brings up for you. you touched upon your weight issues in a post the other day, regarding her message and you have to look inside to understand that. I also have to look inside Me to find My own answers to My own issues and questions.
W/we have climbed many hills together and a few little mountains. W/we have been successful and stonger as a result of that and always, W/we have kept the communication open and the honesty in O/our relationship. I do not believe that this cannot also be conquered and I intend to stick to My agreements and My decisions.
you have My love, always
LP
