Echos
Something happened this evening that has me in a reflective mood. One of my neices told me something that took me completely by surprise and brought back a lot of wierd memories. A lot of stuff happened to a lot of the girls in my family. It was wrong and it was dealt with badly within the family. It caused all of us problems of different sorts. But i can look at things now and i know that the things in my past that were tragic are things that shaped who i am now. The bad things but the good things as well. i can see how my reaction to it shaped me. Who knows who i would have been if none of this had ever happened. Who any of us girls would have been. But the thing to remember is who we are now and the things we are glad of in our lives. We all have our hang ups and our foibles and some of them are a little neurotic maybe, but we haven’t turned out all that bad. i even like some of mine. So does it matter how they came to be anymore? What happened doesn’t effect me negatively anymore, not really. i don’t have night terrors, i don’t wake up terrified and trying to run if LP touches me in the night like used to in the early days of my past marriage. i sort of have an extra sense about some people that allows me to pick up on vibes and know i’d never leave a child alone with them. And yes, i can admit that a lot of things to do with my sexuality come from these experiences. i was sneaking and reading porn when i should have been reading Wizard of Oz and playing with Barbie’s. my Barbie’s were kind of slutty and Ken got lucky a lot. i even started writing my own when i was still in high school. But it was all cerebral. i think one positive thing that came from it was that i shielded myself, protected myself by putting on weight so no one would want to get near me. On one hand it’s positive because it kept me from following in the footsteps of my older siblings and getting into a lot of trouble. On the other hand even knowing that hasn’t made it easier to change my body and drop my armor. Not even for LP. i think it’s still between us even though it is the last thing i want. It’s been there so long that i don’t know what i would do without it to hide behind. It probably even has something to do with my submissive nature, along with the wierdness of my hyper religious upbringing. It’s all a part of who i am, so how do i get rid of the negative and embrace the positive when it is all so intertwined? i don’t want to lose my kinkiness. If anything i want it to expand and grow. i don’t even know if that is possible, there is more than just me involved now.
my mind is tired and i really just wish i could curl up at LP’s side and rest.
