Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the first of June….June is the month LP comes home…..
Okay so maybe it’s not until the very last day, but it counts! i am trying to keep my paranoia at bay and not let myself worry about something going out, or me snoring and keeping Her awake, or the cat disturbing us in the early morning hours, or the kids being a hinderance, etc etc. Even though these things are all possibilities and most likely probabilities. The cat will wake us up, he wakes me up if he thinks i have slept in long enough or if he thinks he needs something during the night…like a drink of water, just like a little kid. Doesn’t matter if we leave him fresh water (in a glass next to the sink) just before we go to bed, he wants someone to get up and turn on the tap for him so he can drink straight from it. Spoiled. my fault 
my snoring will also probably be a problem, i don’t know how to do anything about that. i didn’t snore when we first met, i apparently made cute little noises. Cuteness wears off and becomes disturbing snores due to whatever reasons, sinus troubles and weight gain in my case. i’m already thinking about how i can somehow make sure LP falls asleep before i do so it doesn’t bother her as much. The kids….yeah….that’s definitely going to be an issue. It didn’t used to be when they were younger because they had earlier bedtimes and they had no clue what went on between two adults sharing a bed. Now that they are both teenagers it has become awkward. It’s a problem of our own making because we didn’t want them growing up close minded. But raising informed children means they aren’t as inhibited and shy as some. i’m not saying that they have been exposed to anything inappropriate for their ages, but they haven’t been raised thinking that sexuality is a taboo subject. But since it will be summer vacation and there won’t be school night restrictions it makes things more difficult. And there’s not been any definite word on if they are going to consent to go and visit their father in July. i have said to them that he has only asked for three weeks of their vacation, that’s not so bad. But i won’t hold my breath that they will go and LP and i will get three weeks on our own. i also think that since LP doesn’t live with us full time She hasn’t had the chance to get used to them being older. She sees them in small chunks of time between bigger chunks of time not seeing them. Much as i hate to compare, it is one thing She and their father have in common. But at least LP is better equipped mentally to deal with it. She doesn’t refuse to admit they are growing up. But it does make for a bit of awkwardness at times. Then there is the daughter’s friends and her boyfriend being in and out pretty much at some time every day. It doesn’t bother me as much, maybe i am just used to it, but i can see why it bothers LP. Still i feel caught in the middle sometimes.
*sigh* i don’t want to spend the next 30 days worrying about things like this and working myself into a state. i know LP would tell me not to, but it is difficult, nearly impossible really. It seems a bit unrealistic to me, it’s too much like sticking my head in the sand and pretending these things aren’t issues. But then i have always been good at that.
So if that is what i have to do then i will because i want to spend the next month in happy anticipation of something that i desperately need…..physical time with LP! Yay!!!!
Afternoon delight
i was a bit tricky this afternoon. i knew i was going to be going out this evening for a kid thing and that i would probably be really tired when i got back. i also knew i still have quite a bit of my allotted quota that hasn’t been met. Add to that the fact that LP and i were talking before She slept about that wand toy we bought and She was saying that i may just be invited to help Her prove a little theory with it when She gets here. On Her. i am so very up for that! In fact just the little we talked about it got me thinking and thinking got me rather turned on. So after LP went to bed there was about half an hour until the kids got in from school. i put that time to good use and made another notch in my quota. That wand and our vince are a wonder team! i think i barely lasted two minutes! For me that is really quick…i’m kind of like those slow release tablets. Takes me forever to get there most of the time. Sure was nice to let off a little steam though. i was fairly squirming in my seat while we were talking.
Today it is exactly one calendar month until LP returns…..i am so excited!!
Working on my quota
LP has been very lenient with my quota this month since i have had such bad trouble with my body for much of it. It is so frustrating! i was kind of whinging about it to someone yesterday. First my back goes out while trying to put a toy on so we can play and it all just sort of went downhill from there! While the back was out at first i couldn’t sleep in my bed (again….that’s a whole different rant!) then I caught some sort of stomach bug, those two finally started going away and the back went completely out worse than before! But my doctor gave me lovely drugs and they helped immensely and just as I’m thinking i am getting better i come down with some sort of crud that stuffed me up and had me wheezing and coughing and snotty…it was disgusting. It still is to a degree, but i am happy to say i am improving on all fronts and have actually spent a few nights in the bed as i rambled about in a previous post. i do love my bed…LP bought the mattress and built the box frame for underneath it and it is nice and firm. i never thought i’d enjoy a firm mattress but once again LP was right, they are more comfortable.
One thing that i haven’t followed through on though is reporting on progress on my orgasm quota as i am supposed to. Okay, so i had a doctor apointent today and had to dash to the school to pick up a sick kid, but i could have found a moment to at least tell LP that it was mission accomplished last night…with not one, but two toys! i was quite pleased with myself (sorry…horrible pun…totally intentional as well ) The odd thing is, the new wand toy we have seems a lot louder and less effective in the bed than it was the day LP had me play with it here in the chair. Maybe that was because She was involved…that always makes things better. i rallied like a trooper though and discovered that the unique shape of that toy has definite benefits! Couple that with our very first little friend, vince, and i was a very well satisfied girl.
And tonight is Wednesday….one of my required nights to play. i am definitely feeling up to it!
No regrets
i’ve been thinking about regrets this afternoon. Living a life without them. i can’t say that i have done that so far. i have regrets, things i wish i had done, time i wish i hadn’t wasted. There aren’t really many things i have done that i regret though, even stupid things. i may be messed up and defective in a lot of ways but i could be much worse. And maybe i wouldn’t have the pieces of me that i find interesting and fun.
The thing that’s been on my mind this afternoon is, how to resolve or absorb past regrets and not let them effect life from here on. How to live so that i don’t build on past regrets and make them bigger, and how not to create new ones. There are some things that are beyond my control, time gone past that LP and i can’t get back and time we will lose between now and ’someday’ but that is different. i mourn all those years but they aren’t a regret.
i don’t know….it’s just the wierd thoughts going through my head tonight.
In my own bed….
Tonight i am going to attempt to sleep in my own bed for the first time in a week. i would say over a week because i haven’t actually slept in the bed for almost two weeks. But last Saturday morning i laid down for a few hours just to see how i did because i was feeling better. my back felt better and my stomach bug seemed to be going away. So i laid down and slept from about 4:30am to 8:00am when LP called to wake me. Then later that morning my back went completely out and it was back to sitting in this recliner because it was the only place in the house i could sit without so much pain. i am sick of this chair.
So tonight my back feels a lot better finally, with the help of a trip to the doctor and a lovely shot she gave me and some tablets that pretty much knock me out. Hopefully i will sleep the whole night without any adverse effects to my back in the morning. i am paranoid about it though. There is only a little over a month until LP returns and i don’t want anything to be out or slipped or anything when She gets here. The things She already has to deal with where i am concerned are enough.
LP also reminded me that i have a quota to fill for the month. With my back out i haven’t been able to or in the mood for working at it. i wonder if those two times early in the month when we were trying out the new toys counts toward my quota….
i am actually looking forward to being in my bed tonight behind a closed door and wearing very little. Sleeping in the living room isnt exactly condusive to horny thoughts. Although the other day LP and i were talking and a topic came up that always makes me go ‘mmmm’ and think decidedly sexy thoughts. Somehow we lit on the subject of stalkers. Oh i know what it was, i had found the lyrics of a song that had been dedicated to me by my own personal stalker in high school. LP doesn’t share my fascination with or for having a stalker. The reality would be not so exciting or sexy i am sure, not really. i was flattered by my stalker’s obsession with me but after a while it did get annoying. i can’t imagine if it was a real psycho and things got dangerous, and i don’t mean to belittle the experience of anyone who may have had to endure something like that. But that’s the beauty of fantasies. One can make them anything and if i want my stalker to be romantic and sexy and only slightly dangerous then i can. In my stalker fantasies it all starts so innocently with a few annonymous notes, moving on to longer romantic letters that eventually become fairly erotic. There would be flowers, maybe delivered or just left on the doorstep. Maybe sexy little intimate gifts like a sweet smelling candle to light in the bedroom, or something infused with the scent my stalker wears so i will recognize it when we meet, little things like that. Is it obvious i have thought about this quite often?? :) Eventually my stalker fantasy gets kind of mixed up with my kidnap fantasy and my forceful seduction fantasy and it all becomes one….and it’s all good.
So maybe tonight when i am freshly bathed and settled into my nice comfy bed i can let my mind wander along those lines and work on getting closer to meeting my quota.
i worry….a lot
i do, i worry. i have been told i have a very negetive attitude toward most things, very pessimistic. A lot of the time i let my worries get the better of me and i create horrible stress for myself that i could avoid by just trusting that things will work out, they always do.
It’s been a long time since i have actively thought of myself as being ‘defective’ because of my physical problems. i used to think it all the time, used to feel worthless and useless because of limitations my body had. Today i remembered what that feels like, and i worry. i know it will pass, that i am loved and cared for and i don’t need to worry that these things will drive LP away. It’s not going to happen.
i feel out of control, i know odd concept. But i feel like my body has a mind of its own right now and it hates me. LP and i were talking about how ‘things’ happen to get in my way, i posted a bit about that a couple of days ago i think. So this afternoon something floated around my brain and i had to wonder if it was the pain killer or if it had actual merit. What if these things aren’t me being out of control, but instead are a way that my subconscious exerts immense control? Looking at that it makes no sense to me, but i am going to leave it and go on. i have always said i felt like i had no control over anything in my life growing up, even up into my 30’s when i met LP. i wasn’t ‘allowed’ so many things that people take for granted…such as the right to be angry, the right to be proud of my accomplishments, belief in my own abilities. So this thing i do of sabotaging myself, it’s a form of control. Even though i suffer consequences that make me unhappy, it is still me being in some sort of control of my own fate. LP says that i need to get to the core issue, the heart of what causes me to sabotage myself just when i make a good start. i don’t know how to do that, not on my own.
But i had a wierd, random, completely oxymoronish thought…..what if i have this unhealthy control of myself that is beyond my conscious control….and what if the pull to be submissive in areas of life is so appealing because it is a safe way to relinquish that control in some small way….but even then it isn’t giving up control completely because i am chosing to give it to someone i trust, to LP. That’s when i feel safe enough to let go, mainly in the times when i am under Her physical control, even from a distance (contradictory? not really) It’s in having someone else be in control so that for just a moment i can not be, someone stronger and more clever who can handle me. Because what would happen if control was completely let go and there was no one there to keep me in line? hmmm….that’s interesting. i usually think first that it’s like why i don’t drink much, i don’t like to loosen up control unless i know someone i trust is there to make sure no one else takes advantage of my lowered inhibitions. But what if it’s more myself i don’t trust to not behave like a complete wanton if i let go? It’s okay for that to come out with LP. (tangent thought: what would happen if i were in that sort of state and LP set me loose on someone else? It would never happen, we don’t play with others that way…but i know some do, is that how it is with them?)
And something else….if my subconscious control is so strong how fantastic it would be if i could actually harness it, reprogram it, and use it to benefit my life instead of screwing it up??? There would be the breakthrough that would shake the foundations of the world and change everything.
wishes and hopes and dreams
Some days all i want to do is escape into the back corners of my mind. Spend some time just drifting along with my imagination to times that could be, times that may never be but that are so nice to think of, times past that i wonder if i will ever experience again. Maybe it says something about me that more often than not these musings turn toward the sexual, the sensual.
Today though i was just craving simple touch. Arms to hold me and hands to smooth my hair back and fingers to trail over my skin. i guess i needed comfort. So i imagined a life where i wasn’t physically alone, where LP was never too far away. i know She is always only a phone call away, but sometimes i would give anything for a real hug.
It won’t be that long though. Less than 45 days now. i can hold out until then.
Another week coming to an end
Before i know it LP will be arriving. i am getting paranoid. Just days before Her last visit the nerves in my shoulder pinched and i was unable to sleep in the bed with Her. It was out most of her visit and there were only a few nights that i actually got to cuddle with Her. i dont want to have something like that to deal with this time. She is going to be here longer and we have some definite plans and some tentative ones. i don’t want something to put me in pain and interfere. i am trying to think positive though and be aware that my mental state can cause physical problems. Worrying that something could happen could make something happen!
That’s a subject LP and i frequently discuss. Sometimes i think that if i realize it then that should nullify the effect. But it’s not that simple i guess. We were talking the other day about things and some stuff started coming out of my mouth about when i was growing up and it made me so uncomfortable, well…angry would be a better word, but uncomfortable because i wasn’t really expecting it. It was kind of like moving aside an area rug and finding something rotten and moldering underneath. Then putting the rug back real quick to cover it back up. Problem is now i know it’s there.
i haven’t slept well the last couple of nights, i’ve had some kind of stomach bug. And even though i felt like shit and was hugging up the little waste bin from the bedroom just in case, my mind was thinking about things. Who knows, maybe the two are related. i think the night i got sick was after that conversation.
Some of the things LP and i talked about weren’t exactly revleations. i know that i sabotage myself, for some deeply burried reason. Sometimes i do it to spite other people and their expectations of me, even if i screw myself in the process. i don’t do it consciously, but i do it. It came to me that one reason may be that it is the only form of control i felt i had growing up. An odd thing to say for someone who is exploring her submissive side, who has always felt ’subservient’ to the people in her life. Food for thought.
Busy weekend
The flowers i made for the teenager’s prom were a success if i do say so myself. Her date was very pleased and said they were better than any he could have bought at a store. Nice of him to say so. It’s made me think about all the things i once considered doing with my life. LP and i were discussing all of that today. It’s hard to look back on those dreams and realize that i am on the other side of the line now and it’s a bit late to be thinking about what i want to be when i grow up. i should be planning now for when i am old and how i am going to take care of myself. i am way behind. It isn’t a good feeling.
On a better, more fun note, LP has had me test out a couple of our new toys under Her direction. Oh yes….they are definite hits! The best toys we have purchased to date…well with the exception of the beast, but that can only be used when we are together in person. We purchased the bullets and the wand when we ran into a snag with one of the toys we already had. A vibrating stimulator in the shape of a ’sunflower’ that just never had quite done the trick. Perhaps it is the way i am built, my weight, who knows. It just has never been capable of getting the job done, only tickling a bit. It is also attached by elastic straps that don’t hold it snug enough to the body. Plus it is a pain to get on…which is how i put my back out last week. One little wiggle in the wrong direction was all it took. So we talked about attaching something to underwear and that would probably have worked. Then we bought these new toys. The single bullet can be worn with snug underwear and pants and all it takes it the roll of the controller wheel at LP’s direction and….yeah…it gets the seal of approval! The want is a bit different because of it’s shape and size. It’s best not used with clothing, but the way it is shaped i can sit comfortable, even with my back not at its best yet and again, a flick of the controls and a few well timed words from LP and it does the trick nicely. i do love when new toys work out well.
Catching Up
My challenge
I note that of late you have been having trouble posting. I realise that a lot has been going on, so I am not going to reprimand. I am going to adjust your tasks so that you will at least post 4 times a week. I am not expecting something every day, as I know that is not always possible.
Please bare in mind that 4 times a week is not unreasonable, so I would expect you to stick to that.
you have My love
LP
