Another week coming to an end
Before i know it LP will be arriving. i am getting paranoid. Just days before Her last visit the nerves in my shoulder pinched and i was unable to sleep in the bed with Her. It was out most of her visit and there were only a few nights that i actually got to cuddle with Her. i dont want to have something like that to deal with this time. She is going to be here longer and we have some definite plans and some tentative ones. i don’t want something to put me in pain and interfere. i am trying to think positive though and be aware that my mental state can cause physical problems. Worrying that something could happen could make something happen!
That’s a subject LP and i frequently discuss. Sometimes i think that if i realize it then that should nullify the effect. But it’s not that simple i guess. We were talking the other day about things and some stuff started coming out of my mouth about when i was growing up and it made me so uncomfortable, well…angry would be a better word, but uncomfortable because i wasn’t really expecting it. It was kind of like moving aside an area rug and finding something rotten and moldering underneath. Then putting the rug back real quick to cover it back up. Problem is now i know it’s there.
i haven’t slept well the last couple of nights, i’ve had some kind of stomach bug. And even though i felt like shit and was hugging up the little waste bin from the bedroom just in case, my mind was thinking about things. Who knows, maybe the two are related. i think the night i got sick was after that conversation.
Some of the things LP and i talked about weren’t exactly revleations. i know that i sabotage myself, for some deeply burried reason. Sometimes i do it to spite other people and their expectations of me, even if i screw myself in the process. i don’t do it consciously, but i do it. It came to me that one reason may be that it is the only form of control i felt i had growing up. An odd thing to say for someone who is exploring her submissive side, who has always felt ’subservient’ to the people in her life. Food for thought.
