ohhhh boy!
In just a few hours i will be heading out to the airport to send the kids off for two weeks with their father. i’m honestly not going to believe it until they are all checked in and on the plane and it has taken off. Until then there is still the chance that one of them could change their mind and refuse to go. If one does the other one will as well. Neither of them want to go, even just for two weeks, but they are making a concession for their father since they canceled on him the last two times they were supposed to visit. Still, as i said, i will believe it when i see it.
After they are off it is back here to drop off the daughter’s boyfriend and freshen myself up to go and meet LP for dinner. Her plane lands hours after the kids leave, but if we had known what day they were going soon enough we could have arranged things so that i could have waited for Her. But She had already rented the car and they would have charged Her a cancelation fee higher than what She was paying to rent the thing! So we are doing it a bit complicated. That’s the way things are a lot of the time….nothing simple and easy about us.
i need to rouse the troups and go lay out my clothes. i wonder if i should turn on the a/c before i leave. It will be pretty hot in here if i don’t……
i’m roasting
LP is going to be getting here just in time for a mini heat wave i think. It’s supposed to be in the 90’s this weekend, but i don’t know what it will be on Monday and there after. i don’t do well with the heat. i will be spending a lot of time half naked and in and out of the shower if i can get away with it.
i made a bit of a mistatement the other day when LP and i were talking. i said that i don’t have to readjust to her being here each time. i was only thinking of one way, but there are other ways i do. i have to adjust to sleeping on the other side of the bed, because i give her the side She is used to…which is the same side i like to sleep on normally. i also have to get used to the way She likes to keep the environment….i have a/c, She sees no use for it and would rather have doors and windows open for any kind of breeze that might come through. So there are some ways i have to get used to Her being here. But it is soooo worth it.
i’m off for a cool shower now and an early night because the heat has made me very sleepy.
i can’t wait until Monday!!!!
So sad….
LP gave me this link to follow and read and, in truth, the story had a very profound effect on me. It’s not long, but it is poignant… http://www.thedomsview.com/Vol6/I2/feature3.htm Afterward i was in tears for quite a lot longer than it took me to actually read it. i felt so sad.
Now, i have physical problems. Problems that my weight complicates and makes worse and sometimes i feel very sorry for myself. But reading about this lady who had nothing she could do to prevent the course of her disease and how it effected their relationship made me pause….and feel almost ashamed of myself. She had no control over what was happening in her body….but i do. Maybe there are some sypmtoms of my disease that will never fully go away, but i know from experience that with proper diet and exercise and taking weight off of my joints has made a very big difference before, and could again. If i take my medications the way i am supposed to and am mindful of caring for myself physically and otherwise i could be very much improved and be the woman i want to be for LP and for myself.
LP and i have talked the last couple of days and made some discoveries about our core relationship that have effected this D/s facet and we have begun to work toward a better understanding of each other. Sometime after She arrives next Monday we will be sitting down to talk face to face and really iron things out. We’ve already begun actually. i think that for the first time in a long time we have actually heard each other. Both of us have made certain guarantees and while i know it takes time to build trust i haven’t felt so positive about things in ages. It’s a really good sign.
Knowledge is Power – By LP
Knowledge is power. That’s the old saying and boy how true it is. Doesn’t really matter what context it is taken in, either. The key though, is when to use whatever knowledge one has to gain what type of power. I am not referring here to world domination, so no, I am not the next Goldfinger or Dr No….lol….I simply refer to knowing a subject entirely and thoroughly can put a person in a position of power when it comes to selling, buying, negotiating and basically pretty much everything in every day life. Antique dealers know their stuff. I couldn’t go and buy a blue and white willow pattern plate from eBay and drop into my local antique dealer and try and blindside him into buying it off as genuine. He has the knowledge and the power.
Same refers to anything D/s…..Newbies and wannabe’s can be spotted a mile off by someone in the know. The BDSM lifestyle is a clique. It has its own language, code of practice, secret handshake. Sort of like the mason’s. A person comes into a chatroom or party and they stick out like a golfer in a football team. The seasoned Dom/Dommes can spot it straight off and they laugh their secret laugh and raise their experienced eyebrows at them. However, that said, every new Dom/Domme has to start somewhere. My personal feeling is that it is all in the attitude. There is a certain maturity involved in being a Dom/Domme. A serious responsibility to oneself and the sub that one controls.
Michael Besnard puts it this way, “Your responsibility as a Dominant is to set appropriate limits, keep your property healthy and safe, and establish order in your environment. But you can find a balance between firmness and flexibility. In every relationship, there are both negotiable and no-compromise issues. When you examine the behavior issues in your dynamics, you’ll find that each of them fits into one of these two categories. The no-compromise rules relate to safety, health basics, and fundamental values. Negotiable rules are those you can bend, even if the behavior annoys you. They involve personal preferences, differing tastes, and convenience.”
If a sub gives her/himself to a Dom/Domme they are effectively giving up their own power, ideas, attitudes, opinions, time, effort and sense of self to this person. Or are they? I have read many stories of subs who are hard working, dominant characters in their everyday business lives, but when it comes to the weekend they slope off to a quiet house in the hillsides to play slave to someone else for fun. They enjoy the humiliation of being used as furniture or made to walk about naked and serve afternoon tea, Victorian style, with a butt plug in or a dildo strapped in so it can’t fall out. Then, come Monday morning, they are dressed up in their work togs, all suited and booted and ordering 30 people around. It’s an oxymoron really and yet it makes perfect sense. Not My cup of tea, really, but each to their own.
I am recently new to this experience. Well, not recent I suppose. I have always had a dominant nature and I am pretty assured in most aspects of My life. I think the thing is to know when and where best to channel that dominance. I don’t want to be seen as bossy or overbearing to people who do not understand O/our relationship, although many times it has come across that way. challenge’s friends have often commented on My being bossy, yet they do not realise that challenge has boundaries set which she knows she has to follow even when in company. Ok, so truthfully, W/we don’t always do that in front of people but then I feel we are not quite striking the balance. W/we have been attempting to get guidelines in place and have things run more smoothly but then we hit a wall when it comes to negotiating. If something isn’t working for her she will tell Me (as I have instructed her to do). I like think I am flexible in that respect at least. However, My question is, if W/we are to have these roles, where does negotiation stop and action begin? At what point do I put My foot down and say no when she says she wants it a different way, or doesn’t like this or that? When do I say “Listen, I am in control here and you will do as I ask”? Do I become so lenient that she ends up topping from the bottom? Or do I start to instil real punishments to infractions? (Ok, so that was 5 questions….)
I have been researching all morning about this. Looking here, there and everywhere for some sort of guidelines about being a more efficient Dom/Domme. Most experienced Dom/Dommes say that newer people should read as much as they can, go to parties and learn as much of the language as possible. Ok, I can do that. What these articles don’t say is how to create ones own real experience from experience. How does one get to be an experienced Dom/Domme if they are not sure they are doing it right. I will keep reading. I want to learn all I can, know the subject well and be the best I can be for My challenge.
LP
Guess i better slow down now
Here i was thinking i was going to run out of month and now i only have four left to my quota and nine days until LP arrives. Wow…single digits?? If i blink She’ll be coming through the door!
Plans are a bit convoluted right now. The kids leave the same day that LP arrives, from the same airport. However, they leave hours earlier and LP can’t cancel Her rental car without penalties. So She proposed that i see the kids off and then come home and get myself prettied up (well, as much as possible) and then when She arrives i can meet Her at our favorite restaurant for dinner. It’s not a romantic place, but the food is good usually and romance isn’t really high on the priority list the first night or so.
So far the kids aren’t making any noises like they are going to back out on going this time. They aren’t thrilled to be going, but they seem resigned to it. It will be nice to have a couple of weeks alone with LP to start off Her stay. Peace and quiet, getting to bed early as we like and sleeping in until we wake up. Which for the first week is usually around 4am until LP gets used to the change in time difference. Plus i always seem to have trouble getting used to sharing a bed again or something because i always wake up much earlier than when i am alone. i think that it will take a lot longer than a few weeks here and there for either of us to really get used to sharing a bed with another person again, or a house for that matter hehe.
my paranoia about something going wrong with my body before LP arrives had me up at the crack of dawn this morning afraid to lay in my bed any longer in case my shoulder or back went out again. Last time my shoulder went out just days before LP arrived and i was in so much pain i couldn’t even lay down to cuddle with Her. It was sad. So this morning, not fully awake, i stumbled out and crashed in my recliner where i spent so much time when my back was out last month. Then soon as i fell asleep i had a dream that one of my teeth broke and had to be removed. i have such paranoia about these sort of things. As if i am afraid LP will trade me in on a newer model because i’m falling apart on her.
It’s kind of wierd. She asked me about feeling any sort jealousy of Her and i had to honestly answer not in the usual way. i am not really worried She will move on to another woman that she finds sexier. What i worry about is that She will just move on because i am just not physically keeping it together. i mean, why would She want someone with a back that goes out more than we do, issues that screw up any attempt at losing weight, who is going bald and might lose several of her teeth over the next decade due to medications??? So i get paranoid the closer Her visit gets.
my twisting mind….
Last week rosie over at EJK’s slave had asked about things others were tempted by around the house. i commented and told her about my obsession with the 24oz soda bottle.This little ‘curiosity’ of mine extends to oddly shaped water bottles as well. i wwould love to use one as a mold to make a toy for LP and i to play with. We just need to figure out the right materials to use. i think about this sort of thing a lot though, not just with bottles, but with random things as well. Like this afternoon i helped myself to a popscicle type thing i had bought a bag of for the kids. They are about 6 inches long and maybe a little over an inch around….a nice size.
So here i sat, licking this popscicle, running my tongue around the tip of it, sucking on the end….and i got a case of the giggles. i realized i was just happily blowing this frozen treat. Of course that led me wondering what it would feel like if i used if for other purposes. i kind of like cold things. LP thought of putting vince the vibrator in the freezer over night, but we’d have to hide it in case the kids looked in the freezer for some reason. These popscicle things, though, they have possibilities. It’s summer, completely normal to have them in the freezer. i am not to keen on getting all that sugary melt off in delicate places though, so maybe a condom slipped over it and tied off at the end would work. Control the mess but still allow all the fun….hmmm….
Now i am having thoughts of a decidedly…horny…nature. i think i will be adding another notch to my quota tonight. i am at nine altogether and have met my requirement that at least five of them be done with a toy. i actually have found it is, well easier is one word, but not what i would mean…it feels better and is a bit faster. i never used to really care for playing with toys by myself. It was only fun if LP was involved. But lately i like them better even when not specifically told to use them. i still prefer specific instructions on what toy to use and how, but that’s mainly because it involves LP playing with me, something i just can’t get enough of.
It was so long ago
In conversation recently LP brought up something that i hadn’t thought of in so long. Someone that in a round about sort of way gave me my first taste of dominance. He was just someone i got acquainted with and spoke to for a little while, i’m not even sure how i would classify him. He’s a player and moves from sub to sub fairly quickly. But there was something to be learned i suppose. He gave me the first inkling of what it might be like to belong to someone in this way, just with a demonstration of a certain tone of voice and one word. He had told me he liked to train his subs to release on command, and then he said the word he liked to train them to in the tone he used. i thought then that i could very well be a candidate for that kind of thing if LP and i ever had the time or inclination to put into it. i wasn’t able to stay friends with him because he soon made it clear that he wanted more and i knew where my heart lay. Even if LP and i never progressed into the fascinating world of D/s She was the one i wanted and needed to be with. It didn’t matter that She was so far away and he was much closer. i still feel that way. No matter what, LP is the one i need in my life. We may have issues from time to time, but what couple doesn’t. We will work them out just as we have done for the past seven plus years. Sometimes i know i may feel a little restless, and we may both wonder if things are ever going to be the way either of us need them to be or even hope they could be. Still, i truly believe no one else could get me the way LP does.
After our conversation that day i was looking for something in the night table drawer and found this little mini tape recorder. i don’t know what made me do it but i took it out and put fresh batteries in it and checked the tape that was in it. There was Her voice, saved for me to listen to and mailed to me before we had even met in the flesh. i cried listening to the things she said, and a part of me mourned a little for the freshness of new love that all couples eventually lose, but my heart still jumped when She said She loved me and wanted me. i wonder if i still amuse Her.
Oh…on a side note. LP had made Tuesday my required day to notch my quota and i remembered! i had also earned myself a notch on Monday….so that makes my quota at eight down i think. i will check and verify that number tomorrow. i may even have another notch to report by then.
Playing online
Yesterday was the last day of school for the kids and only a half one at that. i was feeling kind of bummed because it means that there won’t be any opportunities for LP and i to play with any of our new toys while we are online until school starts again next Fall. There will always be someone here. Of course LP will be here for a good part of the summer and that will be better than playing onine anytime! Still, i was thinking of how much time slipped away because my back was out again and I couldn’t do anything but sit here while our toys gathered dust in the drawer. Sure my mind was just as active as always but we don’t really play that way, you know the mental role playing stuff. Kind of pointless when there’s no physical outlet later.
But yesterday LP surprised me by making use of the last few hours of school time and our wand toy got a little exercise. Another notch in the quota…and with a toy even. So that made it six, three with a toy since Wedneday night involved good ol’ vince the vibrator. LP told me yesterday that She’s going to change my required day of the week at random so that i don’t get to used to one night and get bored. Last night though i was all snuggled down in bed thinking about LP arriving soon and i got that urge again. i do love my urges. i miss them when they go away. It actually worries me if i am not feeling horny at least once a day. But that’s just how i am i guess. So before sleeping i double notched my quota again…so it’s seven and four now. i have seven left for the rest of the month and only one required to be done with a toy. Something just occured to me…i wonder if that means i can only use toys five times or at least five times but more if the urge hits me. i will have to find out.
LP has put my daily tasks back on my roster now that my back is feeling better and i am up and around again. i feel so weak and pathetic right now. Everything gets me out of breath, even showering! She is right, i have to get my back strenghtened up and get back to my daily exercises and watching my food intake. i feel like every bite of food i ate while my back was out went straight to my ass….because i was sitting on it the whole time! my neighbor thought that was really funny when i said it to her, but even she had to agree it was sadly true. Being sedentary is not condusive to trimming down. But now that i am moving around again i can (carefully) get back to moving and strengthening things up. i let Weight Watchers go because neither of us could really keep putting out the money for it every month. So i will just have to figure out how to do it on my own. The meetings weren’t really that helpful anyway, it was like some country club meeting and i felt like an outsider. It was very cliquey and i didn’t have my own clique.
Counting down two different ways
i haven’t been very successful at finding a counter to keep track of my quota. And i’ve discovered that it’s not all that easy to keep track on my head. Four as of yesterday, and today is Wednesday, my required day. So that will be five for June, but only one with toys. Must remedy that tonight.
i’m in need of inspiration though. i’ve done some reading, but it hasn’t done much for me tonight. Earlier i was feeling like it wouldn’t be that difficult, but the feeling went away. Probably the reality of summer vacation starting and the realization that i won’t have any time alone for a very long while.
Eighteen days until LP arrives, ten left on my quota. Maybe i should make myself a schedule 
spread them out and make them last until She gets here. i still wonder if it will be put on hold while She is here. There really isn’t going to be an easy way to get it done. LP will be here, and the kids will be out of school and only gone for two weeks. i will just have to wait and see.
i wish i had some good porn to watch. *laughs* there’s and oxymoron…good porn. i don’t think such a thing exists. Although i have read some recommendations in a couple of my favorite blogs. Sinclair at Sugarbutch.net says that the Crashpad series is really good. i haven’t had much luck at picking out my own porn. The last one i found interesting was animated and LP thought it looked interesting as well so we bought it…..and it sucked. Really and truly sucked. Pornimation 2….even with computer animation the acting was lame and the story line was ridiculous. i really need to start writing porn screenplays and find someone to back the endeavor. i could do it
Twenty-one Days
Actually, the day is almost over, so it’s almost day twenty. Which means only one more day to the teens! and we know what happens when the teens hit, 9’s and 5’s are like jet propulsion to the countdown.
It looks like LP and i will have the first two weeks of her visit to ourselves. The kids are supposed to go spend two weeks with their father, but once again my mottow comes into play….we won’t hold our breath. The last two times they were supposed to go they backed out at the last minute for one reason or another. LP doesn’t completely trust that they won’t do it again this time. If they do go it will be nice and quiet for LP to rest up from her journey. And it will give us time to get used to being together again.
i am hoping it will be a good summer. It will be nearly the longest time we have ever had together. I don’t know which is harder, a few weeks together and then parting or having to separate after a long visit. Either option pretty much sucks. It does seem like passing time makes things different, harder in some ways. The kids are older now, they aren’t as easy to get along with as when they were little and LP first came to visit. She and i have changed as well, or not, depending on how it’s looked at. Maybe we haven’t changed all that much but our perceptions of each other and our reactions to each other have changed. But then that happens in long term relationships doesn’t it. We just have to learn to adapt and learn to keep our appreciation and love for each other strong.
