i’m kind of at a loss lately. i don’t know what to write, or even if i want to. LP and i talk…and talk…and we atempt to make progress, but neither of us seem to get very far. We’ve been checking out FetLife and it’s a mine of information, and it’s entertaining as well. Sometimes though it makes me question myself more than it gives me answers. What is it about trying to figure out what you want that just leads to more questions? i feel like i’m in a dressing room trying on all kinds of different outfits and none of them are just right. i shall dub it Goldilocks Syndrome.
The thing is….i don’t want to settle. i don’t want to make myself get along without what i need in the spirit of compromise. Recently i told someone that sometimes we have to sacrifice something we hold dear in order to get or hold on to something bigger or more important. In his case it was true, but in thinking about my own situation…no…it isn’t right.
i am confused….i am sad….i feel so lost….
I have been thinking about challenge today. W/we had a conversation yesterday and her needs are not being met. I feel lost because I don’t always feel I have the imagination to do things and suggest things to keep that spark that she needs. It’s not that I don’t want to keep that spark going but I just seem to have trouble thinking of ideas and new concepts to try. I don’t want things to become samey and at the same time I end up doing the exact opposite and they become samey with nothing actually happening at all. It makes Me wonder how other online relationships manage to keep the spark. When W/we are together there is the face to face contact and W/we can discuss, change, modify, agree and find new things to keep U/us interested. When W/we are apart I really struggle. Short of giving her tasks to do of a more personal nature I just get stuck.
I want challenge to know how much I think of her. How she is always in My mind and heart and yet, again, unwittingly I make her feel neglected. It confuses Me sometimes how I can seem to be one thing and yet act as another. I am not an angry or violent person at all. I am not mean and unkind. I speak My mind as diplomatically as possible, whenever possible and yes, sometimes straightforwardness is the only way, but for the most part I aim to be kind.
I have tried looking for blogs online, written by Masters, Lords, Sir’s, Madames, Misses, etc to see if I can sneak a peek into the D/s world of how the Tops keep their bottoms happy during online times when they are apart. It seems there is a distinct lack of Tops who write blogs. Most of what I found was written by subs, slaves and bottoms who tend to write from their own perspective about their own experiences. These are fun and interesting to read, although not, from My own perspective, educational. I know so little about the whole D/s thing and W/we are still exploring to a large degree.
What leaves Me stuck is that My poor darling challenge is suffering at My own hands without My actually meaning to hurt her. It wounds Me to think she is not getting from Me what she wants and needs from O/our relationship. W/we talk about mundane everyday life during O/our online discussions and yes, W/we have fun sometimes. Although those times seem to be less frequent than they used to be and I feel at a loss as to how to spice things up. I love My darling challenge and I want her to know how I care for her and appreciate her.
Any suggested websites would be useful…
It happens sometimes that after a little diy session i just burst into tears…maybe it’s loneliness, maybe it’s because something is missing, it just makes me sad sometimes. So last night i was playing with vince the vibrator and imagining possibilities with LP and when it was over i began to cry and the next thing i knew i was waking up hours later. i went back to sleep and when i woke this morning i managed not to think about it for most of the day. LP and i met online and had our usual chat and then we talked over the computer (marvelous addition to msn being able to actually speak online…saves phone bills) and then She went to bed…..
And i was left alone. That’s when all the sadness comes back to haunt me. i think about the hours that went before and wonder what we spent them talking about. i think of the things we discussed and agreed to and wonder why i don’t speak up and remind Her as she reminds me. And then i wonder if there’s really any point…it’s not the same for me as it is for Her. i just can’t get past the feeling that if i have to remind her it’s just not going to do the trick anyway, it will feel too contrived and fake. If it’s not something that She thinks of on her own and is eager to participate in then there is no pleasure in it. Not for me, and i am certain not for Her either.
Maybe i should just take my frustrations and channel them into words the way i used to before we met. At least i might get some good stories out of it.
*sighs*…..i think this little rant is best marked private….
LP and i have been doing a little revamping of the journal. Some pages have been removed, some have been redone. A lot of the changes reflect the talks She and i had while She was here about what each of us want from each other and from this aspect of us. Where does D/s fit in our core relationship? my tasks have been changed. The housey type things, chores and such have been removed because we both realized that didn’t fit here. It was more a requirement of the basic relationship for LP and wasn’t giving me what i needed as far as a D/s relationship is concerned. i am not a service sub.
There are some things that remain, the ones that concern how i take care of myself as Her property. Because no matter what else, i belong to Her. The things She requires of me in that vein are because She is concerned for my health and there are things both of us want to be able to do that in my current state just aren’t possible. i am happy to report that while She was here there was a significant weight loss and i was able to get in a size smaller jeans. It came as a big surprise to both of us, a very pleasant one.
i’m not sure yet about other things that were part of my requirements. Like my DIY quota, or the things we agreed to do when we were restricted back to being online to keep things fun and exciting. We haven’t talked about that side of things yet. Some of that is wrapped up with our basic relationship requirements, at least from my side of things. i don’t know how to differentiate between the two. While She was here though things were so much better than in past visits. It just goes to show what good open lines of communication can do.
i can’t believe my last post was the day LP was arriving for an extended visit. She has been gone for a little over a week. It was a fantastic summer. We didn’t do a whole lot, nothing fancy, but we certainly enjoyed being together. There were some highlights that may make it into this journal if i get back into posting. That is something LP and i are going to be discussing soon as there is time to give it our undivided attention. That means online since She has gone back, with no distractions on my end of things….like kids, my mother, the phone constantly ringing…..this could get difficult :)
In just a few hours i will be heading out to the airport to send the kids off for two weeks with their father. i’m honestly not going to believe it until they are all checked in and on the plane and it has taken off. Until then there is still the chance that one of them could change their mind and refuse to go. If one does the other one will as well. Neither of them want to go, even just for two weeks, but they are making a concession for their father since they canceled on him the last two times they were supposed to visit. Still, as i said, i will believe it when i see it.
After they are off it is back here to drop off the daughter’s boyfriend and freshen myself up to go and meet LP for dinner. Her plane lands hours after the kids leave, but if we had known what day they were going soon enough we could have arranged things so that i could have waited for Her. But She had already rented the car and they would have charged Her a cancelation fee higher than what She was paying to rent the thing! So we are doing it a bit complicated. That’s the way things are a lot of the time….nothing simple and easy about us.
i need to rouse the troups and go lay out my clothes. i wonder if i should turn on the a/c before i leave. It will be pretty hot in here if i don’t……
LP is going to be getting here just in time for a mini heat wave i think. It’s supposed to be in the 90’s this weekend, but i don’t know what it will be on Monday and there after. i don’t do well with the heat. i will be spending a lot of time half naked and in and out of the shower if i can get away with it.
i made a bit of a mistatement the other day when LP and i were talking. i said that i don’t have to readjust to her being here each time. i was only thinking of one way, but there are other ways i do. i have to adjust to sleeping on the other side of the bed, because i give her the side She is used to…which is the same side i like to sleep on normally. i also have to get used to the way She likes to keep the environment….i have a/c, She sees no use for it and would rather have doors and windows open for any kind of breeze that might come through. So there are some ways i have to get used to Her being here. But it is soooo worth it.
i’m off for a cool shower now and an early night because the heat has made me very sleepy.
i can’t wait until Monday!!!!
LP gave me this link to follow and read and, in truth, the story had a very profound effect on me. It’s not long, but it is poignant… http://www.thedomsview.com/Vol6/I2/feature3.htm Afterward i was in tears for quite a lot longer than it took me to actually read it. i felt so sad.
Now, i have physical problems. Problems that my weight complicates and makes worse and sometimes i feel very sorry for myself. But reading about this lady who had nothing she could do to prevent the course of her disease and how it effected their relationship made me pause….and feel almost ashamed of myself. She had no control over what was happening in her body….but i do. Maybe there are some sypmtoms of my disease that will never fully go away, but i know from experience that with proper diet and exercise and taking weight off of my joints has made a very big difference before, and could again. If i take my medications the way i am supposed to and am mindful of caring for myself physically and otherwise i could be very much improved and be the woman i want to be for LP and for myself.
LP and i have talked the last couple of days and made some discoveries about our core relationship that have effected this D/s facet and we have begun to work toward a better understanding of each other. Sometime after She arrives next Monday we will be sitting down to talk face to face and really iron things out. We’ve already begun actually. i think that for the first time in a long time we have actually heard each other. Both of us have made certain guarantees and while i know it takes time to build trust i haven’t felt so positive about things in ages. It’s a really good sign.
Knowledge is power. That’s the old saying and boy how true it is. Doesn’t really matter what context it is taken in, either. The key though, is when to use whatever knowledge one has to gain what type of power. I am not referring here to world domination, so no, I am not the next Goldfinger or Dr No….lol….I simply refer to knowing a subject entirely and thoroughly can put a person in a position of power when it comes to selling, buying, negotiating and basically pretty much everything in every day life. Antique dealers know their stuff. I couldn’t go and buy a blue and white willow pattern plate from eBay and drop into my local antique dealer and try and blindside him into buying it off as genuine. He has the knowledge and the power.
Same refers to anything D/s…..Newbies and wannabe’s can be spotted a mile off by someone in the know. The BDSM lifestyle is a clique. It has its own language, code of practice, secret handshake. Sort of like the mason’s. A person comes into a chatroom or party and they stick out like a golfer in a football team. The seasoned Dom/Dommes can spot it straight off and they laugh their secret laugh and raise their experienced eyebrows at them. However, that said, every new Dom/Domme has to start somewhere. My personal feeling is that it is all in the attitude. There is a certain maturity involved in being a Dom/Domme. A serious responsibility to oneself and the sub that one controls.
Michael Besnard puts it this way, “Your responsibility as a Dominant is to set appropriate limits, keep your property healthy and safe, and establish order in your environment. But you can find a balance between firmness and flexibility. In every relationship, there are both negotiable and no-compromise issues. When you examine the behavior issues in your dynamics, you’ll find that each of them fits into one of these two categories. The no-compromise rules relate to safety, health basics, and fundamental values. Negotiable rules are those you can bend, even if the behavior annoys you. They involve personal preferences, differing tastes, and convenience.”
If a sub gives her/himself to a Dom/Domme they are effectively giving up their own power, ideas, attitudes, opinions, time, effort and sense of self to this person. Or are they? I have read many stories of subs who are hard working, dominant characters in their everyday business lives, but when it comes to the weekend they slope off to a quiet house in the hillsides to play slave to someone else for fun. They enjoy the humiliation of being used as furniture or made to walk about naked and serve afternoon tea, Victorian style, with a butt plug in or a dildo strapped in so it can’t fall out. Then, come Monday morning, they are dressed up in their work togs, all suited and booted and ordering 30 people around. It’s an oxymoron really and yet it makes perfect sense. Not My cup of tea, really, but each to their own.
I am recently new to this experience. Well, not recent I suppose. I have always had a dominant nature and I am pretty assured in most aspects of My life. I think the thing is to know when and where best to channel that dominance. I don’t want to be seen as bossy or overbearing to people who do not understand O/our relationship, although many times it has come across that way. challenge’s friends have often commented on My being bossy, yet they do not realise that challenge has boundaries set which she knows she has to follow even when in company. Ok, so truthfully, W/we don’t always do that in front of people but then I feel we are not quite striking the balance. W/we have been attempting to get guidelines in place and have things run more smoothly but then we hit a wall when it comes to negotiating. If something isn’t working for her she will tell Me (as I have instructed her to do). I like think I am flexible in that respect at least. However, My question is, if W/we are to have these roles, where does negotiation stop and action begin? At what point do I put My foot down and say no when she says she wants it a different way, or doesn’t like this or that? When do I say “Listen, I am in control here and you will do as I ask”? Do I become so lenient that she ends up topping from the bottom? Or do I start to instil real punishments to infractions? (Ok, so that was 5 questions….)
I have been researching all morning about this. Looking here, there and everywhere for some sort of guidelines about being a more efficient Dom/Domme. Most experienced Dom/Dommes say that newer people should read as much as they can, go to parties and learn as much of the language as possible. Ok, I can do that. What these articles don’t say is how to create ones own real experience from experience. How does one get to be an experienced Dom/Domme if they are not sure they are doing it right. I will keep reading. I want to learn all I can, know the subject well and be the best I can be for My challenge.
Here i was thinking i was going to run out of month and now i only have four left to my quota and nine days until LP arrives. Wow…single digits?? If i blink She’ll be coming through the door!
Plans are a bit convoluted right now. The kids leave the same day that LP arrives, from the same airport. However, they leave hours earlier and LP can’t cancel Her rental car without penalties. So She proposed that i see the kids off and then come home and get myself prettied up (well, as much as possible) and then when She arrives i can meet Her at our favorite restaurant for dinner. It’s not a romantic place, but the food is good usually and romance isn’t really high on the priority list the first night or so.
So far the kids aren’t making any noises like they are going to back out on going this time. They aren’t thrilled to be going, but they seem resigned to it. It will be nice to have a couple of weeks alone with LP to start off Her stay. Peace and quiet, getting to bed early as we like and sleeping in until we wake up. Which for the first week is usually around 4am until LP gets used to the change in time difference. Plus i always seem to have trouble getting used to sharing a bed again or something because i always wake up much earlier than when i am alone. i think that it will take a lot longer than a few weeks here and there for either of us to really get used to sharing a bed with another person again, or a house for that matter hehe.
my paranoia about something going wrong with my body before LP arrives had me up at the crack of dawn this morning afraid to lay in my bed any longer in case my shoulder or back went out again. Last time my shoulder went out just days before LP arrived and i was in so much pain i couldn’t even lay down to cuddle with Her. It was sad. So this morning, not fully awake, i stumbled out and crashed in my recliner where i spent so much time when my back was out last month. Then soon as i fell asleep i had a dream that one of my teeth broke and had to be removed. i have such paranoia about these sort of things. As if i am afraid LP will trade me in on a newer model because i’m falling apart on her.
It’s kind of wierd. She asked me about feeling any sort jealousy of Her and i had to honestly answer not in the usual way. i am not really worried She will move on to another woman that she finds sexier. What i worry about is that She will just move on because i am just not physically keeping it together. i mean, why would She want someone with a back that goes out more than we do, issues that screw up any attempt at losing weight, who is going bald and might lose several of her teeth over the next decade due to medications??? So i get paranoid the closer Her visit gets.