i worry….a lot

Saturday, 17 May 2008 at 7:38 pm (Introspection, submission)

i do, i worry. i have been told i have a very negetive attitude toward most things, very pessimistic. A lot of the time i let my worries get the better of me and i create horrible stress for myself that i could avoid by just trusting that things will work out, they always do.

It’s been a long time since i have actively thought of myself as being ‘defective’ because of my physical problems. i used to think it all the time, used to feel worthless and useless because of limitations my body had. Today i remembered what that feels like, and i worry. i know it will pass, that i am loved and cared for and i don’t need to worry that these things will drive LP away. It’s not going to happen.

i feel out of control, i know odd concept. But i feel like my body has a mind of its own right now and it hates me. LP and i were talking about how ‘things’ happen to get in my way, i posted a bit about that a couple of days ago i think. So this afternoon something floated around my brain and i had to wonder if it was the pain killer or if it had actual merit. What if these things aren’t me being out of control, but instead are a way that my subconscious exerts immense control? Looking at that it makes no sense to me, but i am going to leave it and go on. i have always said i felt like i had no control over anything in my life growing up, even up into my 30’s when i met LP. i wasn’t ‘allowed’ so many things that people take for granted…such as the right to be angry, the right to be proud of my accomplishments, belief in my own abilities. So this thing i do of sabotaging myself, it’s a form of control. Even though i suffer consequences that make me unhappy, it is still me being in some sort of control of my own fate. LP says that i need to get to the core issue, the heart of what causes me to sabotage myself just when i make a good start. i don’t know how to do that, not on my own.

But i had a wierd, random, completely oxymoronish thought…..what if i have this unhealthy control of myself that is beyond my conscious control….and what if the pull to be submissive in areas of life is so appealing because it is a safe way to relinquish that control in some small way….but even then it isn’t giving up control completely because i am chosing to give it to someone i trust, to LP. That’s when i feel safe enough to let go, mainly in the times when i am under Her physical control, even from a distance (contradictory? not really) It’s in having someone else be in control so that for just a moment i can not be, someone stronger and more clever who can handle me. Because what would happen if control was completely let go and there was no one there to keep me in line? hmmm….that’s interesting. i usually think first that it’s like why i don’t drink much, i don’t like to loosen up control unless i know someone i trust is there to make sure no one else takes advantage of my lowered inhibitions. But what if it’s more myself i don’t trust to not behave like a complete wanton if i let go?  It’s okay for that to come out with LP. (tangent thought: what would happen if i were in that sort of state and LP set me loose on someone else? It would never happen, we don’t play with others that way…but i know some do, is that how it is with them?)

And something else….if my subconscious control is so strong how fantastic it would be if i could actually harness it, reprogram it, and use it to benefit my life instead of screwing it up??? There would be the breakthrough that would shake the foundations of the world and change everything.