Thinking about a challenge – LP
I have been thinking about challenge today. W/we had a conversation yesterday and her needs are not being met. I feel lost because I don’t always feel I have the imagination to do things and suggest things to keep that spark that she needs. It’s not that I don’t want to keep that spark going but I just seem to have trouble thinking of ideas and new concepts to try. I don’t want things to become samey and at the same time I end up doing the exact opposite and they become samey with nothing actually happening at all. It makes Me wonder how other online relationships manage to keep the spark. When W/we are together there is the face to face contact and W/we can discuss, change, modify, agree and find new things to keep U/us interested. When W/we are apart I really struggle. Short of giving her tasks to do of a more personal nature I just get stuck.
I want challenge to know how much I think of her. How she is always in My mind and heart and yet, again, unwittingly I make her feel neglected. It confuses Me sometimes how I can seem to be one thing and yet act as another. I am not an angry or violent person at all. I am not mean and unkind. I speak My mind as diplomatically as possible, whenever possible and yes, sometimes straightforwardness is the only way, but for the most part I aim to be kind.
I have tried looking for blogs online, written by Masters, Lords, Sir’s, Madames, Misses, etc to see if I can sneak a peek into the D/s world of how the Tops keep their bottoms happy during online times when they are apart. It seems there is a distinct lack of Tops who write blogs. Most of what I found was written by subs, slaves and bottoms who tend to write from their own perspective about their own experiences. These are fun and interesting to read, although not, from My own perspective, educational. I know so little about the whole D/s thing and W/we are still exploring to a large degree.
What leaves Me stuck is that My poor darling challenge is suffering at My own hands without My actually meaning to hurt her. It wounds Me to think she is not getting from Me what she wants and needs from O/our relationship. W/we talk about mundane everyday life during O/our online discussions and yes, W/we have fun sometimes. Although those times seem to be less frequent than they used to be and I feel at a loss as to how to spice things up. I love My darling challenge and I want her to know how I care for her and appreciate her.
Any suggested websites would be useful…
Knowledge is Power – By LP
Knowledge is power. That’s the old saying and boy how true it is. Doesn’t really matter what context it is taken in, either. The key though, is when to use whatever knowledge one has to gain what type of power. I am not referring here to world domination, so no, I am not the next Goldfinger or Dr No….lol….I simply refer to knowing a subject entirely and thoroughly can put a person in a position of power when it comes to selling, buying, negotiating and basically pretty much everything in every day life. Antique dealers know their stuff. I couldn’t go and buy a blue and white willow pattern plate from eBay and drop into my local antique dealer and try and blindside him into buying it off as genuine. He has the knowledge and the power.
Same refers to anything D/s…..Newbies and wannabe’s can be spotted a mile off by someone in the know. The BDSM lifestyle is a clique. It has its own language, code of practice, secret handshake. Sort of like the mason’s. A person comes into a chatroom or party and they stick out like a golfer in a football team. The seasoned Dom/Dommes can spot it straight off and they laugh their secret laugh and raise their experienced eyebrows at them. However, that said, every new Dom/Domme has to start somewhere. My personal feeling is that it is all in the attitude. There is a certain maturity involved in being a Dom/Domme. A serious responsibility to oneself and the sub that one controls.
Michael Besnard puts it this way, “Your responsibility as a Dominant is to set appropriate limits, keep your property healthy and safe, and establish order in your environment. But you can find a balance between firmness and flexibility. In every relationship, there are both negotiable and no-compromise issues. When you examine the behavior issues in your dynamics, you’ll find that each of them fits into one of these two categories. The no-compromise rules relate to safety, health basics, and fundamental values. Negotiable rules are those you can bend, even if the behavior annoys you. They involve personal preferences, differing tastes, and convenience.”
If a sub gives her/himself to a Dom/Domme they are effectively giving up their own power, ideas, attitudes, opinions, time, effort and sense of self to this person. Or are they? I have read many stories of subs who are hard working, dominant characters in their everyday business lives, but when it comes to the weekend they slope off to a quiet house in the hillsides to play slave to someone else for fun. They enjoy the humiliation of being used as furniture or made to walk about naked and serve afternoon tea, Victorian style, with a butt plug in or a dildo strapped in so it can’t fall out. Then, come Monday morning, they are dressed up in their work togs, all suited and booted and ordering 30 people around. It’s an oxymoron really and yet it makes perfect sense. Not My cup of tea, really, but each to their own.
I am recently new to this experience. Well, not recent I suppose. I have always had a dominant nature and I am pretty assured in most aspects of My life. I think the thing is to know when and where best to channel that dominance. I don’t want to be seen as bossy or overbearing to people who do not understand O/our relationship, although many times it has come across that way. challenge’s friends have often commented on My being bossy, yet they do not realise that challenge has boundaries set which she knows she has to follow even when in company. Ok, so truthfully, W/we don’t always do that in front of people but then I feel we are not quite striking the balance. W/we have been attempting to get guidelines in place and have things run more smoothly but then we hit a wall when it comes to negotiating. If something isn’t working for her she will tell Me (as I have instructed her to do). I like think I am flexible in that respect at least. However, My question is, if W/we are to have these roles, where does negotiation stop and action begin? At what point do I put My foot down and say no when she says she wants it a different way, or doesn’t like this or that? When do I say “Listen, I am in control here and you will do as I ask”? Do I become so lenient that she ends up topping from the bottom? Or do I start to instil real punishments to infractions? (Ok, so that was 5 questions….)
I have been researching all morning about this. Looking here, there and everywhere for some sort of guidelines about being a more efficient Dom/Domme. Most experienced Dom/Dommes say that newer people should read as much as they can, go to parties and learn as much of the language as possible. Ok, I can do that. What these articles don’t say is how to create ones own real experience from experience. How does one get to be an experienced Dom/Domme if they are not sure they are doing it right. I will keep reading. I want to learn all I can, know the subject well and be the best I can be for My challenge.
LP
i worry….a lot
i do, i worry. i have been told i have a very negetive attitude toward most things, very pessimistic. A lot of the time i let my worries get the better of me and i create horrible stress for myself that i could avoid by just trusting that things will work out, they always do.
It’s been a long time since i have actively thought of myself as being ‘defective’ because of my physical problems. i used to think it all the time, used to feel worthless and useless because of limitations my body had. Today i remembered what that feels like, and i worry. i know it will pass, that i am loved and cared for and i don’t need to worry that these things will drive LP away. It’s not going to happen.
i feel out of control, i know odd concept. But i feel like my body has a mind of its own right now and it hates me. LP and i were talking about how ‘things’ happen to get in my way, i posted a bit about that a couple of days ago i think. So this afternoon something floated around my brain and i had to wonder if it was the pain killer or if it had actual merit. What if these things aren’t me being out of control, but instead are a way that my subconscious exerts immense control? Looking at that it makes no sense to me, but i am going to leave it and go on. i have always said i felt like i had no control over anything in my life growing up, even up into my 30’s when i met LP. i wasn’t ‘allowed’ so many things that people take for granted…such as the right to be angry, the right to be proud of my accomplishments, belief in my own abilities. So this thing i do of sabotaging myself, it’s a form of control. Even though i suffer consequences that make me unhappy, it is still me being in some sort of control of my own fate. LP says that i need to get to the core issue, the heart of what causes me to sabotage myself just when i make a good start. i don’t know how to do that, not on my own.
But i had a wierd, random, completely oxymoronish thought…..what if i have this unhealthy control of myself that is beyond my conscious control….and what if the pull to be submissive in areas of life is so appealing because it is a safe way to relinquish that control in some small way….but even then it isn’t giving up control completely because i am chosing to give it to someone i trust, to LP. That’s when i feel safe enough to let go, mainly in the times when i am under Her physical control, even from a distance (contradictory? not really) It’s in having someone else be in control so that for just a moment i can not be, someone stronger and more clever who can handle me. Because what would happen if control was completely let go and there was no one there to keep me in line? hmmm….that’s interesting. i usually think first that it’s like why i don’t drink much, i don’t like to loosen up control unless i know someone i trust is there to make sure no one else takes advantage of my lowered inhibitions. But what if it’s more myself i don’t trust to not behave like a complete wanton if i let go? It’s okay for that to come out with LP. (tangent thought: what would happen if i were in that sort of state and LP set me loose on someone else? It would never happen, we don’t play with others that way…but i know some do, is that how it is with them?)
And something else….if my subconscious control is so strong how fantastic it would be if i could actually harness it, reprogram it, and use it to benefit my life instead of screwing it up??? There would be the breakthrough that would shake the foundations of the world and change everything.
Another week coming to an end
Before i know it LP will be arriving. i am getting paranoid. Just days before Her last visit the nerves in my shoulder pinched and i was unable to sleep in the bed with Her. It was out most of her visit and there were only a few nights that i actually got to cuddle with Her. i dont want to have something like that to deal with this time. She is going to be here longer and we have some definite plans and some tentative ones. i don’t want something to put me in pain and interfere. i am trying to think positive though and be aware that my mental state can cause physical problems. Worrying that something could happen could make something happen!
That’s a subject LP and i frequently discuss. Sometimes i think that if i realize it then that should nullify the effect. But it’s not that simple i guess. We were talking the other day about things and some stuff started coming out of my mouth about when i was growing up and it made me so uncomfortable, well…angry would be a better word, but uncomfortable because i wasn’t really expecting it. It was kind of like moving aside an area rug and finding something rotten and moldering underneath. Then putting the rug back real quick to cover it back up. Problem is now i know it’s there.
i haven’t slept well the last couple of nights, i’ve had some kind of stomach bug. And even though i felt like shit and was hugging up the little waste bin from the bedroom just in case, my mind was thinking about things. Who knows, maybe the two are related. i think the night i got sick was after that conversation.
Some of the things LP and i talked about weren’t exactly revleations. i know that i sabotage myself, for some deeply burried reason. Sometimes i do it to spite other people and their expectations of me, even if i screw myself in the process. i don’t do it consciously, but i do it. It came to me that one reason may be that it is the only form of control i felt i had growing up. An odd thing to say for someone who is exploring her submissive side, who has always felt ‘subservient’ to the people in her life. Food for thought.
Busy weekend
The flowers i made for the teenager’s prom were a success if i do say so myself. Her date was very pleased and said they were better than any he could have bought at a store. Nice of him to say so. It’s made me think about all the things i once considered doing with my life. LP and i were discussing all of that today. It’s hard to look back on those dreams and realize that i am on the other side of the line now and it’s a bit late to be thinking about what i want to be when i grow up. i should be planning now for when i am old and how i am going to take care of myself. i am way behind. It isn’t a good feeling.
On a better, more fun note, LP has had me test out a couple of our new toys under Her direction. Oh yes….they are definite hits! The best toys we have purchased to date…well with the exception of the beast, but that can only be used when we are together in person. We purchased the bullets and the wand when we ran into a snag with one of the toys we already had. A vibrating stimulator in the shape of a ‘sunflower’ that just never had quite done the trick. Perhaps it is the way i am built, my weight, who knows. It just has never been capable of getting the job done, only tickling a bit. It is also attached by elastic straps that don’t hold it snug enough to the body. Plus it is a pain to get on…which is how i put my back out last week. One little wiggle in the wrong direction was all it took. So we talked about attaching something to underwear and that would probably have worked. Then we bought these new toys. The single bullet can be worn with snug underwear and pants and all it takes it the roll of the controller wheel at LP’s direction and….yeah…it gets the seal of approval! The want is a bit different because of it’s shape and size. It’s best not used with clothing, but the way it is shaped i can sit comfortable, even with my back not at its best yet and again, a flick of the controls and a few well timed words from LP and it does the trick nicely. i do love when new toys work out well.
Toy shopping
LP and i were doing a bit of online shopping….we have some nice new toys coming next week. i am allowed to take them out and make sure they work, but i can’t play with them until LP returns at the end of next month. That’s alright really, i am not a toy person on my own. i love when we can play with them together, and sometimes just shopping around for new ones we might be interested in is enough for me. But by myself i just don’t really need them. Although…i suppose it could just be that i am not used to playing with them. my mind has always been my biggest sexual aid, so to speak. i imagine scenarios in my head and it’s those pictures, more than what i may be doing physically, that bring me to the edge.
i suppose that can be handy in a long distance relationship. i spend a lot of mental energy daydreaming about when LP and i are together, future possibilities as well as fond memories. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or not though. i mean, maybe i am building up my hopes too high, creating expectations that are too out there. i’ve read things about people who build things up in their heads so much that the reality just can’t live up to it. i try not to let things get that out of hand, i have learned some not so fun lessons on expectations. If i don’t expect anything then i can’t be disappointed. It’s not that easy, because it’s fun to dream and plan and hope. i have to find a halfway point.
When we were shopping LP said to me that She thought She could hear some ‘BOB-ish’ whispers. i have to admit, it was true to an extent. i didn’t actually cite my most recent phrase to live by ‘i won’t hold my breath’ but a small part of me did think to myself how fun the new toys will be ‘if’ we get around to playing with them. i guess it’s going to take a while to put BOB completely to rest, it’s not an easy task that just making plans can accomplish. Plans have a habit of falling through, especially around here. For instance, we have been working on things to get rid of BOB. Taking small steps that will eventually lead to bigger and better things that will hopefully stifle BOB for good. So what happens?? my back goes out. i am very peeved about it. It’s not very easy to work on my quota when it hurts to get into certain positions.
Ah well….i have a whole month ahead of me to work on the new quota. i am actually down one already because midnight came and went the other night and i didn’t realize it. So for last month i managed six in the last two days of April, and inadvertently scored one for May. So, that leaves 13 for the rest of May…i’ll have to budget so i don’t run out before the end of the month.
Sometimes i feel too much
i am a very emotional person. Sometimes i think i feel too much though. It drains me when i feel negative emotions. And they feed off each other and just make things seem worse than they are. On the other hand, i can feel positive emotions so intensely, even off of other people, that sometimes it is like a high of sorts. i like that kind of feeling, that’s fun. If i could bottle that and sell it i’d be a millionaire….then the government would probably make it illegal or tax it or something lol!
i could do with some of those positive vibes right now. i’d like to have a little fun or something. Maybe i should have hit my neighbor up to go on another walk this evening. We aren’t supposed to go until tomorrow evening, but last night it felt pretty good to be outside. Too late now though, and too cold.
Even though the negative overwhelm me sometimes how can i not feel them and still feel the positive as intensely as i do? i know the positive is less frequent than the negative, but till, how could i give it up? Everything has some sort of emotion attached to it for me. The wind was blowing today, really billowing, and it stirred me. It was brisk and fresh and it made me feel renewed and i smiled. Yesterday the thunder made me feel the rush of excitement, the need and hunger that it always seems to stir up in me. Unfortunately it kind of turned to frustration because it had no where to go. Maybe that’s why i pushed it on my walk. i ended up out of breath and with a stitch in my chest, but i felt better. Sometimes the beauty of a tree makes a sort of joy well up inside me. Today i saw a tree on my way home from picking up my son from school and before i could stop myself i was babbling about how i would like to paint a tree like that, so it looked as if it was a woman’s long hair being blown around her face in the wind. That’s what the tree made me think of. Of course my boy looked at me like i was nuts, but then he’s used to that with me. i think he and his sister kind of like it even, they just have to pretend that they are embarassed.
Sometimes these things translate into not just emotional feelings but physical ones. They create a want, an ache, and most times that makes me want to just curl up in a ball and sleep because there’s nothing i can do with those feelings.
Tonight i am dealing with all of these kinds of feelings. Negative and positive, emotional and physical, and i am just a big basket case. Sleep is called for, it will all be better in the morning. i hope.
Questioning
Today during our online conversation LP asked me if She had ruined me being submissive because she has always encouraged me to be independant and think for myself and speak up for myself. i told her honestly that i don’t believe that could be the case because most submissives that i admire either through their blogs or from interacting with them in a chat room are all of those things. They are strong willed women who choose to submit. If anything Her encouragement of me to be all of that could only enhance my feelings of submission. We discussed what areas i feel most drawn to express it and i quite honestly answered that, for me, it is mainly sexual. Maybe that makes me more of a bottom than an actual submissive, i don’t know. i hate labels anyway. i do know that even if it starts in the ‘bedroom’ for me it spreads out to other areas.
We talked more about building my self confidence. It’s a confusing and daunting prospect. I wasn’t given the tools as a child to build it for myself. i understand the concept, doing things that i can be proud of, things that cause me to feel good about myself, and slowly my confidence will grow. In my mind i get it. i just hope that i am able to put it into action.
i know LP doesn’t wantsome doormat. She wants a partner who can hold her own. Actually, thinking about it, a submissive who is confident and secure in herself would probably be even more of a pleasure to take control of.
LP pointed out that some things i have already started working on. My physical appearance for one. i hadn’t looked at it that way. In my mind i was working on that so that i would be more attractive and appealing to LP, because i have a desperate need to be wanted. But looking at it from the other side of things, as i lose weight i will feel better about myself. So that’s a good confidence builder. Things i am good at that i can do just because i enjoy them and feel good doing them….my writing, my painting and crafting work, my singing….these are some of the things that i know i do well and that i enjoy doing. Doing them instead of just thinking about doing them will cause me to feel good about myself.
i hope that by the time LP gets back this summer there will be progress, not just in the physical bodily sense, but with my inner self as well.
Something to build on
At one point during our conversation today it came up that building my confidence level is something that i have to do myself. Basing it on how someone else causes me to feel may be nice for a while, but it isn’t enough. It won’t be a lasting improvement. i need to look inside myself and find the things that i like about me, that make me proud and make me feel good all on my own and build on them. It’s difficult. Self esteem wasn’t something that was high on the priority list when i was growning up. In fact it was kind of seen as wrong to have very high self esteem, it led to pride and pride is a sin. i wasn’t allowed to claim the things that i was good at as my own. But that was then, and this is now.
LP says that what we put out we receive back. If i project that i don’t like me, don’t feel worthy of respect or being loved and wanted then that is what i will get back. It’s difficult to know how to start. There are a couple of sub journals that i read by women who i have come to admire because they put out such confidence in themselves. But it’s not really something i could ask how they became so confident in themselves. It’s something i have to figure out for myself. But i know that LP is there to support me as i try to figure it out.
So i am looking for the things that i already like about me. The things that i am good at, that make up the good things in my personality that i would like to bring out and make stronger.
Remorse…
My darling challenge,
you were not nasty, but upset. you did indeed draw an incorrect conclusion from an assumption, however. I realise that you felt hurt by how your mind read the situation and I understand that thoughts can escalate.
There are many things we both need to work and answers we both need to find within ourselves. It will take time to delve as deep as some things have to go to get those answers and I cannot rush you as much you cannot rush Me. W/we can, however, help, assist and guide each other when needed.
Recent event with your neice have opened up many questions for you and you have to find your own reasons and answers to what that all brings up for you. you touched upon your weight issues in a post the other day, regarding her message and you have to look inside to understand that. I also have to look inside Me to find My own answers to My own issues and questions.
W/we have climbed many hills together and a few little mountains. W/we have been successful and stonger as a result of that and always, W/we have kept the communication open and the honesty in O/our relationship. I do not believe that this cannot also be conquered and I intend to stick to My agreements and My decisions.
you have My love, always
LP
LP and challenge - O/our journey 