Goldilocks Syndrome
i’m kind of at a loss lately. i don’t know what to write, or even if i want to. LP and i talk…and talk…and we atempt to make progress, but neither of us seem to get very far. We’ve been checking out FetLife and it’s a mine of information, and it’s entertaining as well. Sometimes though it makes me question myself more than it gives me answers. What is it about trying to figure out what you want that just leads to more questions? i feel like i’m in a dressing room trying on all kinds of different outfits and none of them are just right. i shall dub it Goldilocks Syndrome.
The thing is….i don’t want to settle. i don’t want to make myself get along without what i need in the spirit of compromise. Recently i told someone that sometimes we have to sacrifice something we hold dear in order to get or hold on to something bigger or more important. In his case it was true, but in thinking about my own situation…no…it isn’t right.
i am confused….i am sad….i feel so lost….
i cried myself to sleep last night
It happens sometimes that after a little diy session i just burst into tears…maybe it’s loneliness, maybe it’s because something is missing, it just makes me sad sometimes. So last night i was playing with vince the vibrator and imagining possibilities with LP and when it was over i began to cry and the next thing i knew i was waking up hours later. i went back to sleep and when i woke this morning i managed not to think about it for most of the day. LP and i met online and had our usual chat and then we talked over the computer (marvelous addition to msn being able to actually speak online…saves phone bills) and then She went to bed…..
And i was left alone. That’s when all the sadness comes back to haunt me. i think about the hours that went before and wonder what we spent them talking about. i think of the things we discussed and agreed to and wonder why i don’t speak up and remind Her as she reminds me. And then i wonder if there’s really any point…it’s not the same for me as it is for Her. i just can’t get past the feeling that if i have to remind her it’s just not going to do the trick anyway, it will feel too contrived and fake. If it’s not something that She thinks of on her own and is eager to participate in then there is no pleasure in it. Not for me, and i am certain not for Her either.
Maybe i should just take my frustrations and channel them into words the way i used to before we met. At least i might get some good stories out of it.
*sighs*…..i think this little rant is best marked private….
my twisting mind….
Last week rosie over at EJK’s slave had asked about things others were tempted by around the house. i commented and told her about my obsession with the 24oz soda bottle.This little ‘curiosity’ of mine extends to oddly shaped water bottles as well. i wwould love to use one as a mold to make a toy for LP and i to play with. We just need to figure out the right materials to use. i think about this sort of thing a lot though, not just with bottles, but with random things as well. Like this afternoon i helped myself to a popscicle type thing i had bought a bag of for the kids. They are about 6 inches long and maybe a little over an inch around….a nice size.
So here i sat, licking this popscicle, running my tongue around the tip of it, sucking on the end….and i got a case of the giggles. i realized i was just happily blowing this frozen treat. Of course that led me wondering what it would feel like if i used if for other purposes. i kind of like cold things. LP thought of putting vince the vibrator in the freezer over night, but we’d have to hide it in case the kids looked in the freezer for some reason. These popscicle things, though, they have possibilities. It’s summer, completely normal to have them in the freezer. i am not to keen on getting all that sugary melt off in delicate places though, so maybe a condom slipped over it and tied off at the end would work. Control the mess but still allow all the fun….hmmm….
Now i am having thoughts of a decidedly…horny…nature. i think i will be adding another notch to my quota tonight. i am at nine altogether and have met my requirement that at least five of them be done with a toy. i actually have found it is, well easier is one word, but not what i would mean…it feels better and is a bit faster. i never used to really care for playing with toys by myself. It was only fun if LP was involved. But lately i like them better even when not specifically told to use them. i still prefer specific instructions on what toy to use and how, but that’s mainly because it involves LP playing with me, something i just can’t get enough of.
Catching Up
My challenge
I note that of late you have been having trouble posting. I realise that a lot has been going on, so I am not going to reprimand. I am going to adjust your tasks so that you will at least post 4 times a week. I am not expecting something every day, as I know that is not always possible.
Please bare in mind that 4 times a week is not unreasonable, so I would expect you to stick to that.
you have My love
LP
For LP….i meant well
M’Lord, i can’t rattle off some random bit of nothing tonight knowing that i screwed up. i understand where i screwed up and i will be sure not to repeat that error again. Please, please understand that it wasn’t out of thoughtlessness and disregard for You that i didn’t call. It was just the opposite, just misplaced. my only excuse is it was a very long and stressful day and knowing how much You hate being woken up i only sought to spare You that. i know now that it was the wrong choice because in trying to spare You that small annoyance i caused You to worry and cost You a good night’s sleep. i am sorry M’Lord. i will remember if i am ever in such a situation again to chose the lesser of two evils.
oh what a beautiful day
The sun was out this afternoon and it was almost warm. i actually had my window down as i drove to the grocery store. It felt so good. LP was right the other day, just getting out of the house and getting some fresh air would have been good for me. i do love this time of year when the days start to get longer and the sun shines just a bit brighter. Spring is coming. When LP gets here there will be fresh new greenery and i do hope it won’t be raining a lot. Maybe we can do something away from the house, a picnic, trip to the coast, a drive up to the lake – something. Just the two of us. i am hoping that we will be able to do a lot of things together during the days while the kids are in school.
i hate weekends
i think it would be a good idea to just go to bed. TOM came to visit last night and interrupted my evening and made me cranky. i don’t think i was surprised though. i’m just having one of those episodes of feeling like nothing is ever going to turn out the way i hope or envision it.LP said i seemed ‘meh’ today and i guess i was and didn’t even really notice it. Maybe it’s hormones or stress i don’t know. Maybe i’m just impatient and want too much.
******
weekends mess with my task completion. It is the hardest time for me to stay on track. Maybe it’s because the kids are home and i don’t have to get up at the same times or something. But then i seem to have trouble doing my 11:30 tasks even during the week. i need to improve that.
Thinking
Someone once told me that a submissive’s wants and needs are of no importance, only the Dominant’s. i can’t help but think they were confusing a submissive with a slave. Even then, if a person becomes a slave and they give up all power to another it is because they want or need to. In a D/s relationship things are negotiated…..the areas and degree of submission etc. So a person entering into a D/s relationship from either side brings with them their wants and their needs and they are taken on by their partner who, ideally, sees to it they are met as best they can be.
So if a submissive is not meeting the needs and wants of their Dominant there are a couple of options — the Dominant works with the submissive to train them to meet their needs and wants, or they release the submissive completely. It is unquestionably their right as the Dominant.
Of course there is always the third option of just letting it go and letting the relationship lose its D/s connotations.
But what if the submissive is the one whose needs and wants are not being met? How do they let it be known? How do they ask for what they want or need without seeming to be trying to take control? And if they have broached the subject before and still feel unfulfilled what can they do? Idealy there would be more negotiation to see if the matter can be resolved.
In my opinion both partners in the relationship should equally have their needs and wants met by the other and if not be able to discuss what can be done to see that it happens.
******
my 11:30 tasks were a bit late but they got done. i remembered because i had to get up for a nature call. There should be something on computers that can set a reminder. i think there is, but not on mine.
Envy
Isn’t envy one of the seven deadly sins? i know it is one of my big faults. i am a very envious person. Is it that i am hard to satisfy or maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe i am just unrealistic. i just see what other people have and am envious that i don’t have the equivalent things that i want in my life.
Meh..it doesn’t matter. i need to just focus on being grateful for what i do have.
*****
i didn’t realize that i missed my 11:30 exercises today until this afternoon. i need to get an alarm that will stay here by my computer for me to have set to go off every day to remind me of my exercise time.
Have i mentioned liquid latex?
i had an idea that liqued latex could possibly be fun…..i am even more sure that it could be since reading the Sunday post here http://curvaceousdee.blogspot.com/ complete with pictures! i want to play with some of this stuff! Really really want to!
i am curious though, just how far does one have to go toward removing body hair in order to lay with this stuff? I figure that legs and armpits would need to be shaven if those areas were going to be covered, but what about the soft little peach fuzz on the tummy area or small of the back? i have this kind of fuzz, LP gets great amusement from managing to get hold of my ‘fluff’ and pulling. It makes me squeal because it feels like tiny little needles poking me lightly. The point being, would this tiny barely there kind of fuzz have to be gotten rid of? Because i really don’t want to shave it, with me shaving just encourages massive stubbly regrowth that i would rather not have. i should do some research on the subject, ask someone who would know.
i really do want to have this stuff painted all over my chest and stomach and left to dry so that we can peal it off. i don’t know which part would be more fun!
******
Tasks today mostly accomplished. i went shopping so didn’t really have time to do my designated ‘fun’ thing. Although i will go to bed soon and cuddle up with a book or watch something on tv, so that counts i think. i would like to change that somehow. As much as i enjoy reading or watching movies it would be more productive to focus time on a more craft oriented activity. Maybe specifiy every other day as crafty day, do something with beads or writing. i will have to discuss it with LP and see what She thinks.
LP and challenge - O/our journey 